So for the last couple weeks it seems, and any moment I can pause for a second, I have been quickly overwhelmed and on the verge of tears. No need to panic, I shall be fine. But I've been incredibly panicked about my future and ... I'm not sure panic is the right word to describe my emotion. Intimidated and wilting, numbing out everything. I've been going around on what feels like autopilot, knowing a lot of the right answers and what I should be doing, and I am grateful that I have continued to do so despite the mental challenges lately. Anyway, I realized today that I have neglected to update my testimony blog. I guess I'm only a month and a half late... so would have posted two testimonies by now, but at least you get this one.
My life is a bit crazy at the moment. Today I was struck with the imagery that even though everything seems to feel unsure and so much is in the balance, there is one firm core of me that is in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I don't quite always feel in touch with it, but it is always there, and I am so grateful. I don't know if that makes sense.
Today at institute, a friend of mine came up to me and said he looks up to me spiritually (not literally, I'm quite short), and I was just kind of blown away because I don't feel spiritually strong right now. I don't feel like I can help anyone or even myself out of this little rut. And as I've been crying - or rather, tearing up (I don't really cry), on my way home from institute and pondering - a lot of pondering this week in general anyway - I realized that I hadn't shared my testimony in a while, and that typically is associated with my general feeling of "knowing" but not "feeling" or even necessarily "believing." I've gotten too inward focused, too distracted, and luckily because of the continuous blessings, I haven't strayed very far. And I am able to think more clearly about what I believe.
And I do feel like I have a strong core of faith. I definitely don't know everything, but, I do believe in my Saviour. I do believe that He is real, and I do believe that my choices matter. Lately, so many things haven't felt real. My life here in London, my future, even my family back home. So many things are a bit disconnected from me and yet, I don't feel like God is disconnected from me, or rather that I'm still disconnecting myself from God. And that is quite the improvement from what I was feeling a bit ago.
My testimony is the foundation to my identity, and sometimes I get distracted, I get lost and confused. Yet, because of the Atonement and the faithful teachings and love of God and His chosen leaders, I have been able to learn and apply some of His counsel and build up that faith in Him. I'm still working on it, and have a long way to go. But, I shall continue to do what I can. And that is my testimony for both June and July. ;)
