Be a Friend

What is your biggest fear? If it really came down to it, I think a common one would be being alone forever. And, not just in a romantic way, but just alone, cut off from people.


This post is a longer one, but it is worth it. 


"Friends are like pillars on your porch, sometimes you lean on them, sometimes they lean on you, and sometimes, it is enough just to know they are standing by" -Elizabeth Foley 


I think one thing we treasure most is our relationships with others. To start, You should know, I lean more introverted than extroverted {a big shock to those who know me}, and much more so than I would like to believe. So, I would like to look to extroverts to see how they probably view this whole thing; but I cannot authentically do that, from my perspective though, I think they have this whole friendship thing figured out. See, they are comfortable enough to at least 'fake-it-till-they-make-it' and trust people enough to reach out and be a friend to others first. I would not say I am an introverted person, just quiet, and slower to make friends. This means, at least for me, that I am slower to be a friend too. {I would selfishly add here though that, though I have far fewer "close friends" they are truly treasures to me, and I wouldn't change quality for quantity, but I don't think extroverts do that either...anyway}


Just in case you haven't figured it out, this is a huge note-to-self, well, this whole blog is. I need to remember to be a better friend to others, as I do, I will come closer to becoming the person God knows I can be, and in so doing I can be more like Him. A huge reason I am writing this post so that I can remember what and how to be a true friend to others, and maybe it can help you too.


Lately, I have been far too self-absorbed to be a good friend, and I have kind of lost touch with what friendship even means.What do I want in a friend? What is a friend? 


I want someone who reaches out to me, one that I don't always have to feel like I am forcing the friendship, always doing the asking, always pushing myself into their lives, I feel like true friends should just sort of fit together. 


I want someone who knows me enough to leave me alone if I need it, but more often is someone who sees through that, and knows sometimes I just want them to remind me they care. I want someone who helps me find "what I want to do" because I often don't know it myself, and waste beautiful days because of it. I want a friend who truly listens to me and hears what I am truly saying.


I want a friend where our relationship doesn't feel like it is just a 'convenient friendship.' Do you know what I mean? I think so, but just to be clear, it's like the friends you have in classes or at work, who you are friends because you see each other often and you don't mind each other, but it never gets beyond a close association. 


I want our friendship to be more than just filling a slot until something better comes along. I want a friend who makes me laugh, and I said this just a little bit ago, but that we fit together. One who doesn't hide themselves from me, who trusts me enough to stand on my own, and to be there for them.


We are friends. I don't think the definition needs to go beyond that really. Ok. That's a lie. 

There are many aspects to being a friend, and since we know them all rather intuitively, but wanting to make sure I covered the main ones, I looked friendship up on Wikipedia and found a good summary. True to form I will add my own, sometimes long-winded, commentary in along the way.

Friendship is a form of interpersonal relationship generally considered to be closer than association. 

So, the word 'close' stuck out to me. We all know what it means, but I want you to remember what it means. It means you trust them and they trust you, that you are similar in thought, desire, hopes, dreams, fears, etc.

Some of the other aspects are:

• The tendency to desire what is best for the other,

C.S. Lewis talks about how people don't become door-mats in this kind of relationship, but that they just care about themselves a little bit less than their friend. This is definitely something I need to remember and integrate into my character. If you haven't noticed, I will point it out to you and it will bug you like it bugs me, though I leave it in to prove a point. In this post especially, and in life in general, I talk about myself a lot, I think about myself a lot, I care so very much about me. This is a problem. But, it can be improved with hard work and patient friends.

• Sympathy and empathy they are enough similar that they understand each other.

These are both vital traits, you are similar enough with your friends that you understand each other, and you care about the other person. 

• Honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart, 

Friends can do this because of the mutual trust that exists, that the foundation of love and truth, where it seems superficial and unimportant, you have to have good friends for a lot of reasons, beneficial to health and emotional well-being. And, friends can be honest because they know how to do it best, without needing to be brutal in their complete honesty.

• Mutual understanding and compassion- 

ability to go to each other for emotional support, when times are good, but especially when people are stressed, worried, sad, mad, hurt, tired, annoyed, they don't give up on you. You know that they are not just going to decide one day to stop caring about you, they aren't going to just forget you, they understand, care, and want to be around you.

• Enjoyment of each other's company-

It obviously has to be enjoyable, and beneficial, that in your own way, you are happy being there. I left it in my post because I haven't been the most enjoyable lately. I am not always emotionally taxing but, in times of stress, I am. We all are, and that is fine. Good friends understand this and are patient and helpful as we figure it out, get over ourselves and move on. I need to remember this too, and not let this aspect out of my friendships.

• Trust in one another- 

Who do you trust? I think this is a key issue with being a friend. I know when I don't trust people to be there for be, I hide in my quietness, I retreat into the shelter of a good book or my own thoughts, whatever it is. I don't need to remind you how vital trust is, but I will anyway, because it is an interesting question. Who do you trust? Why? Have they let you down before? Does it matter? I could write a whole post on this, and probably have, or will soon. Trust is vital. Like friendship, it goes without saying, but do not forget its great meaning.

• Positive reciprocity — a relationship is based on equal give-and-take between the two parties.

This is where Wikipedia and I vary a little bit. I think this is important...to a degree. With true friends, you don't keep score, you don't make sure it is a perfect balance of give and take. You just are friends, you care about each other so much that you naturally reciprocate that, and so, yes, naturally it is a positive and reciprocal relationship, but like with other aspects of friendship, it cannot be artificial, it is either there even in small amounts, or it is not, and you are not going to be friends for long.

• The ability to be oneself, express one's feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgement. 

This is so, so very important to having true friends, you can be you, and I can be me. It's a beautiful thing. You know that your friend is one who does not hurt you, manipulate you, or is spiteful of things you hold dear. I heard that it is easier to admit to being mad than it is to being hurt. It's true, if you feel hurt to be around someone, you will find yourself withdrawing,. You know those people that you can relax and just be yourself? It is something that cannot be faked. You know that even if they disagree with you, that you still matter, you are not invisible or insignificant. You may be 'wrong' in that case but you are still valuable. This one goes with "trust" because you trust them to be your friend, to not suddenly change their minds and hate you.

One last thing, I think this is true of all real friendships, so before you disagree, just think about the important people in your life that you consider true friends, and share this with them. Also, did I forget any important aspects?

Remember, first "to have a friend, one must be a friend." 

Remember what your friends mean to you, and what you mean to your friends.