Lies: A Reaction

I received this as a reply to my post, and felt it should be shared. It captures a lot of aspects that I was hoping to get to, but didn't in my last post. And, the added perspective of another person always adds value, depth, and meaning, so I wanted to share it here.


You said: "Lately I've been thinking a lot about why lying is a big deal. I know we talk about it a lot, but I haven't really thought about it that much until recently."

If you are lied to, and you know it... the pain and loss are focused on the destruction of trust, and the loss of connection with that person. Forgiving that person is really hard. For me, the first key in forgiving someone at all... is that I must want too (which is sometimes a difficult issue for me). I find that it is easier to start when on my knees, praying (it's just not possible to tell God it's too hard for you or you don't want to, when he's there, knowing your mistakes). However at some point you have to talk with the person or your attempt will only appease your pain a little. But one of the second or third keys I think about, when I feel someone has lied to me is grasping onto the idea that they didn't want to hurt me, or they wanted to impress me, they wanted to seem better than they are. I look at those and try to determine what their intent was, and try to determine what they were thinking. Then there's the idea that lying hurts the person doing it the most. But somewhere along the way is the concept of me labeling them a 'liar' and my mind doesn't let me apply that label as easily as my emotion.

So many times two or more people just don't see the same 'truth' when they stare at the same thing. I try to define 'lying' as deliberate miscommunication attempting for personal gain. If you haven't felt lied to, and later found out it was miscommunication... I'd be surprised. When you care about a person and feel betrayed or wronged the issue is often fueled by miscommunication and you want to lash out. I think the fear of being hurt makes people quickly grasp onto negative assumptions as kind of a self-preservation thing. If instead they tried to fix the problem, they'd both be better off. But back to the subject... Lying is worse, than miscommunication... and both seem to be promoted in the world we live in now.

The next couple of lines were a little confusing to me: hypocrisy and disappointment are very different concepts and not always connected to lying. You said:
"So, hypocrisy, the unintentional hurt, and disappointment from people not living up to the idea we have of them is hard to deal with. Yet, this is easier to forgive because "they didn't mean to."  and "Hypocrites usually don't mean to be hypocritical...."
Is the person that lied to you, telling you not to lie? The reason this is distinguishable from lying is that in this case telling you not to lie would be a good thing, or if they said lying is bad... that would be the truth.  To be a hypocrite, a person has to tell you 'doing X is bad!' (and then do it themselves); the concept of being disappointed, is quite different. There's also the concept of a person telling others to be good, and being human makes a mistake -- are they a hypocrite?
{note from Cristina: I'm actually impressed only one line was confusing. That section is not complete. I've been trying to cut down the length of my posts, and can't seem to find a good balance to explain everything - concisely}

I like your next line -- I wish I had the strength to follow it in some cases: "... we need to get to a point where we don't take offense; even if it is intentional."

And also the paragraph about God is really strong too. I've mentioned this to you before, but you don't, and can't always know the truth. Each person chooses what they perceive as right, often based on who they trust when they can't know the actual truth. Imagine the dilemma you'd have if two loved ones, both of whom you trust... tell you to vote for different people in one election and you haven't had time to find out for yourself. Do you pick one, and call the other one a liar? and never trust them again? (of course not) So what would make you do that?

Boy I latched onto the next line really fast :(
"Unfortunately, we live in a world where all people struggle, all people are going to disappoint us, try to cover up the hard truths with white lies, or are just scared of losing us, so they tell us what they think we want to hear, or what is easier for them to admit to. Come on, we've all been there."
There's a lot of pain in those words... and I don't like thinking of you in that much pain. And it's certainly worse when I make myself the culprit. {Another note: There isn't a set culprit, I tried to write it just from what I've noticed, and ya I used my life as a foundation, but I tried to put it in terms of truth, so everyone, please don't get all worried that I'm offended or hurt by you. If I was, you would know. I'm usually pretty vocal in that area...or at least very clear in my actions...}


"So, why is it so hard on the other side? " Because you care, or have cared... and attached part of who you are to this connection and it was ripped apart by the lie because you can't trust them like you want too.

And I'll end by saying if you want to fix a problem between you and this liar, hypocrite, villain you're going to need to tell them how you feel. They have to listen with all their heart and not retaliate, they must respond with honesty with the goal of fixing the rift between you, and you have to listen to them. It takes effort on both people's parts and it's hard because of the pain and lack of trust. If one of you chooses not to, no amount of effort on the other side will compensate.