Efficiency

This year, 2012, I have become more aware of who I am - what I like, dislike, want, need, get angry over, where I want to go in life. One thing that became clearer, is my {almost} obsession about being efficient, not wasting time nor energy to get the 'task' done.



I remember growing up my mom would joke that she was lazy and wanted to do things right the first time so she didn't have to go back and do them again. She was referring to house cleaning, but I see that similar theme in all areas of my life.

See, I love consistency, planning, organizing some aspects of my life, and that feeling of control - even if it is an illusion. And, the emotional, dramatic, up and down aspect of life can be overwhelming to try and deal with it when I can't do anything about it.

Usually, I just shut it out. I avoid thinking about it because it stresses me out. And, when I do feel joy, pain is usually right on its heels. So, to be efficient, I just cut it out. I stop paying attention.

There are times where being efficient, is inefficient. And there are times that mistakes are necessary, not hiding in a safe place away from the world. So, sometimes, we have to embrace the ups and downs, the unpredictable, confusing, emotional part of life, and just feel. And, sometimes we can't go back and do it over, but sometimes, through repentance and the Atonement, we can still make things right, we can still be happy. It is through the pain, and the joy, that we live - that we are truly human. Children of the Most High God.

Life is not a 'task' to be checked off. I can't control what is coming next, but I can learn to give up some aspects of "efficiency" so I can learn to be a more complete person - through trusting Christ.