One Day at a Time

“Please help me give up the pain that is from my selfishness and pride” – I said, right before starting to type, worried that my thoughts will spiral down instead of up.

I’ve found writing helps me figure out how I’m actually feeling inside the mess that is my mind. Lately my life has been a mix between blur of activity and almost thoughtless monotony. Usually, within the same day. The whirlwind leaves me …conflicted.

On March 26^th, I will have been working at the same job for exactly a year – we went to lunch at work today to celebrate. They asked me what kinds of things I’d learned in my year, and then the conversation moved on before I really had time to think about it {you all remember how I’m a slow thinker}. Well, one of the things I’ve learned is that it is good to be diligent in our thinking – in other  words, slow. Actually to be clear, I think it’s a slow decision making process, I actually think quite quickly. Ok. Moving on.

And one of the things I’ve learned about in my quest to be a well-rounded thinker – is 1- Pain is a great teacher and 2 – I don’t have to hold on to every kind of pain expecting all pain to actually be what I should be feeling. Emphasis on “should be feeling.” (i.e., that the feeling of pain is from God to teach me / I should feel pain) 

I am often feeling guilty for things or holding on to selfish comforts, or ideas about how things ‘should be.’

For instance, “I should be happy in my life” and “I should be miserable” are both phrases I often feel I should be feeling – at the same time. When I started this post, I mentioned I feel conflicted. These are the ends of the spectrum I feel – though I should mention before the comments and emails I am not miserable though I get sad sometimes, and as I remember my relationship with Christ, I am happy much more often, and for longer amounts of time. 

There are times when the thought is very firm in my mind that because I don’t have A, B, or C, that I should be upset. And, at times I often give in to the hurt - though I am getting better at remembering Him faster each time, and it is getting slightly easier to give up whatever is holding me back from feeling God's love for me and all of His children (that's you!).

I’m grateful I can pray to my Father in Heaven and ask Him to help me learn, and yet give up the pain, the selfishness, the pride of my heart. And you know what, often times the anxiety goes away. After this, I am left hoping that I won’t have to feel that way again and often I fear that I will anyway, then I am gently reminded I am becoming more like Him  one day at a time. It’s a slow process for this slow thinker, but in the end, I’ll get there. We’ll get there. Let’s keep going.

**I am a little nervous to post this because I don't want to deny the reality of pain, and it often takes more than a simple prayer to make it go away - all I can say is, take it one moment of pain at a time, and ask for help learning and moving through that problem/hurt/confusion/etc. I am definitely not perfect and have pain, but as I remember His promises, I can let go of some pain and come back to Him**