July Testimony, Thoughts, and Autopilot

So for the last couple weeks it seems, and any moment I can pause for a second, I have been quickly overwhelmed and on the verge of tears. No need to panic, I shall be fine. But I've been incredibly panicked about my future and ... I'm not sure panic is the right word to describe my emotion. Intimidated and wilting, numbing out everything. I've been going around on what feels like autopilot, knowing a lot of the right answers and what I should be doing, and I am grateful that I have continued to do so despite the mental challenges lately. Anyway, I realized today that I have neglected to update my testimony blog. I guess I'm only a month and a half late... so would have posted two testimonies by now, but at least you get this one.

My life is a bit crazy at the moment. Today I was struck with the imagery that even though everything seems to feel unsure and so much is in the balance, there is one firm core of me that is in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I don't quite always feel in touch with it, but it is always there, and I am so grateful. I don't know if that makes sense.

Today at institute, a friend of mine came up to me and said he looks up to me spiritually (not literally, I'm quite short), and I was just kind of blown away because I don't feel spiritually strong right now. I don't feel like I can help anyone or even myself out of this little rut. And as I've been crying - or rather, tearing up (I don't really cry), on my way home from institute and pondering - a lot of pondering this week in general anyway - I realized that I hadn't shared my testimony in a while, and that typically is associated with my general feeling of "knowing" but not "feeling" or even necessarily "believing." I've gotten too inward focused, too distracted, and luckily because of the continuous blessings, I haven't strayed very far. And I am able to think more clearly about what I believe.

And I do feel like I have a strong core of faith. I definitely don't know everything, but, I do believe in my Saviour. I do believe that He is real, and I do believe that my choices matter. Lately, so many things haven't felt real. My life here in London, my future, even my family back home. So many things are a bit disconnected from me and yet, I don't feel like God is disconnected from me, or rather that I'm still disconnecting myself from God. And that is quite the improvement from what I was feeling a bit ago.

My testimony is the foundation to my identity, and sometimes I get distracted, I get lost and confused. Yet, because of the Atonement and the faithful teachings and love of God and His chosen leaders, I have been able to learn and apply some of His counsel and build up that faith in Him. I'm still working on it, and have a long way to go. But, I shall continue to do what I can. And that is my testimony for both June and July. ;)

May-be I'll Share

In this next instalment of Cristina's Testimony... I hate writing introductions.

Today was Fast and Testimony Meeting. As I've stated before, I am not usually comfortable sharing my testimony in our Sacrament Meeting services. However, today, I was prevailed upon to share my testimony in our Relief Society Meeting. Here's what happened. {ooh, intriguing!}

March and April

This is the fourth post in my little testimony goal for 2015.

Car Park Queries

And now, for a brief interruption in my 12-month testimony sharing goal. So, as I am living in London at the moment, the title of this post had to be the British version, though most of the story took place in an American parking lot - where I had lots of questions. Ok. Moving on to the story.

We did *March* forth

(The title comes from Alma 56:32)

This is the third "instalment" of my testimony goal for 2015, and I mean to "March" forth through the rest of the year, improving as I go. I still really struggle with saying it in a ward setting, so I am still glad to have this resource to share my testimony and thoughts.

February Testimony

My testimony this month really can be summed up that even in times when I don't feel I'm at my best,  a little closed off or whatever, that Christ is there for me - and I am coming to know Him better each day. And that's awesome! I can come back, feel of God's love, and be carried through my challenges.

2015 Testimony Goal

One of the things I struggle with the most is not wanting to bear my testimony in my church meeting. It's the meeting where members are invited to come and talk of Christ, their beliefs, and is generally fairly unstructured as far as who speaks and what they say. If given the choice between giving a talk and bearing my testimony in the testimony meeting, I would pick giving a talk every time. I just don't like having to think on my feet in front of everyone and be expected to say something coherent and meaningful. SO - one of my New Year's Resolutions this year is to write my testimony each month and publish it on my blog instead of giving it once a month in the testimony meeting. I firmly believe in sharing my beliefs and don't want to hide them but I need to find a better outlet for me to get it out there.