Unexpected Lesson

This unexpected journey began with my daily study yesterday, in the second chapter of Helaman. Yesterday was a day of turmoil for me, mainly because I didn’t have concrete plans for my day and so had a lot more down time and I ruminated a lot on my life and where it was, and where it is headed. This post is long, and I understand if you skim or just don't read it, but I would say that what I have to say is of worth and I would encourage you to read all of it. Don't mind any grammar or other mistakes, I do not claim it is of worth because of my skill as a writer.

A little back story for your reading pleasure: Each day I read the same chapter from the Book of Mormon twice; once in the morning and once again before I go to bed. This is just the method I have found that works the best for me. After each time through, I spend about 10 minutes specifically applying that chapter to myself and recording it in my journal, helping me to actually pay attention to what I read.

Chapter 2 is short. It explains first how, after much contention and division among the people, Helaman becomes chief judge after the introduction of Kishkumen and the band. It details how Gadianton becomes the leader and plots the murder of Helaman’s life, yet is stopped by the servant of Helaman. This is all great, but I struggled applying it. Until I focused on the last 2 verses especially. Verse thirteen says “And behold, in the end of this book ye shall see that this Gadianton did prove the overthrow, yea almost the entire destruction of the people of Nephi.” Why is this? It started with the contention and division among the people. Here is what I wrote for the morning: “What things in your life destroy your peace? Which divide your heard and hurt your soul, though they may seem flattering at the time, maybe not even harmful, they just satisfy your curiosity? Do not give them place in your heart. Leave only that which brings you closer to Christ, healing your wounded soul, things that are in harmony with God’s law, because in the end, either path will shape you, your very soul either unto destruction or unto eternal joy. If you do not follow Christ, you will find yourself in misery.”

When I wrote that, I began to be intrigued what things hold me back, but I couldn’t think of anything. However, by the end of a very hard day emotionally, I unintentionally answered the question I posed in the morning, and I was shocked and humbled how the Lord taught me. Here is what I wrote:

“I know all the right answers, but I don’t feel them. I do not feel that they apply to me, I do not feel God’s love for me. If anyone else was saying this or feeling what I am feeling right now, I would and do feel God’s love for them. But I do not feel it for me. I just feel alone, I just feel I am not ever going to be “good enough,” or that people actually love ME, that I am somehow ever going to be “worth it” that I would ever be wanted or included; I feel that it is always my fault, I am always wrong. I truly feel that I will just be left looking in to others’ joy for eternity. *These are the thoughts that will be the destruction of my soul if I do not come unto Christ. Peace is often disturbed by sin, keep trying to find it again.”

*is where I realized how it applied to me, and felt humbled. I do not always feel like I felt yesterday, in fact, I woke up feeling much better, after a restless night pondering my feelings and trying to find peace. This lesson was not what I expected. I had thought it was merely a pity-party, but the Lord used it to teach me a lesson, and I am glad I listened.

See, the Nephites’ peace is always destroyed by the Lamanites, and usually that is because a dissenter went over there and brought back the force of the Lamanites to the Nephites. I just finished the war chapters and as I read those, I thought of how we can liken these things to ourselves, and for a lot of good info on the war chapters, see John Bytheway’s book “Righteous warriors” but this thought doesn’t directly come from there. I thought a lot how the body is like the land of the Nephites. Each city has to be protected, just like each value or desire must be protected. It is a continual effort, and sometimes we let sin into just one area of our lives, we lose a city to the Lamanites as it were. The Nephites who dissent from the religion often went and provoked the Lamanites to come and disturb the peace of the Nephites, like how we have to let sin in, sometimes it comes on its own, but we have to stop doing our part and keep it far from us. By not preparing ourselves and fighting for what is right, we lose part of ourselves. This was yesterday’s lesson.

I am hesitant to post this, feeling like the bulk of it is far too personal to share, and even when I decided to share it, I figured I would only put it on my other blog because only the "devout" or "true" followers of my story would read it there. But, in church today, I was open to the Spirit, because of many things detailed elsewhere, and the thought “why do you fear sharing the things of your soul? The truth is within you and you can share your experiences with others, there is no need to be distrustful of the people who will read this. And you will do good by sharing it.” So. I am. I hope this and the rest of what I write today will be a benefit to someone.