It's not a commandment to love yourself

God's commandments do not include "Love Thyself." But, before you take it the wrong way, the point of this post is not to say you shouldn't love yourself. Just the opposite.

Know and Feel

I live in the fear/anxiety/over-thinking world far too often. This post is an attempt to be genuine and open about what I feel (or felt), instead of what I know. As you read this, you’ll probably say “Well duh, Cristina…”but be kind as you read this more self-reflective post about  – it takes a while for things to get from what I know to match what I feel.

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I used to be outgoing, fun, and confident. Through a series of small choices I now am introverted, fearful, and insecure. I used to make friends all over, and where I still have friends, I’m more careful about caring about them and worry constantly about myself and what they must be thinking/feeling about me.

For example, I remember distinctly when I stopped reaching out to people I didn’t know. My family used to go see houses for sale all over the area we lived. Once, we ventured beyond this and saw a house in a small town called Salem (not Massachusetts). Afterwards, we went to the local park and my brothers ran off and so when I saw two girls about my age playing hide-and-seek, I naturally included myself in their game as I’ve previously done. The older girl gave me a blunt lecture to go away, why would I think I could play with them? I still don’t like that park or the equipment they were playing on at the time. And it was there that I made my first decision that I wasn’t good enough to be included.

This choice has been made repeatedly as I’ve tried to change so I could be included. I’m told it’s a common desire. One middle school yearbook gave me a list of how to be attractive to guys I had to be quiet, with long brown hair, big eyes, and some other stuff. When friends’ lives have led them elsewhere, I’ve always decided it was because they realized I didn’t fit or wasn’t good enough, to be their friend. Etc.

Now, I have settled in a job that was easy, afraid to move on, I've secluded myself far away from the world, and am still actively putting up barriers because the pain of losing people or whatever it is, has been too great and I’ve decided over and over again that I am not worth it – that it is better that I be alone, a fly on the wall, only an observer – because no one wants to hear my opinion. I’ve been seduced into this sense of selfishness and pride, and I have been stuck here for quite some time.

There is hope though. I’ve started making decisions anyway – looking at grad school, taking time off work, publishing this blog post, talking to good friends, adjusting my goals and expectations, and of course, turning to the Lord for help. So, I will continue on this path and hopefully shed these negative pieces as I learn to live more in the faith/hope/charity world.

It is OK to Hurt

I’m finding in life that it is ok to hurt – but to clarify, it is not ok to despair. I do not believe we were sent here to learn how to escape pain, as tempting as that is. We were sent here to feel pain and to feel joy. We are here to cry and to laugh, to hurt and to love. I know it sounds overly simplistic, but we cannot truly have one without the other, and we need them for our human experience.

The past little while, my spectrum of emotion has become much closer to apathy than I would like. And I can tell you it was awful. I’m not fully out of this emotional state, but I’m getting closer. Over a short amount of time, so many conflicting emotions and issues were pressing in on me and so I felt and it was easier to shut them all out than try to process them. And soon, my ‘adventures’ stopped happening and my motivation dwindled. In time, I was only focused on being efficient to avoid the pain that otherwise was present. I stopped feeling connected to the people around me – acting and saying the right things, but not feeling them.

 It wasn’t until recently that I realized this, and that fact alone scared me. I still retreat into this apathetic ‘haven’ but I am getting better at venturing out of this cave and experiencing life again.

Remember, it really is ok to hurt, and experiencing life means experiencing pain. Don’t despair, but don’t seek to never feel pain. You’ll build up a lot of empty yesterdays. So, together we can fill up our lives with adventures – the highs and lows of life. And along the way, we’ll make a life worth remembering.