Know and Feel

I live in the fear/anxiety/over-thinking world far too often. This post is an attempt to be genuine and open about what I feel (or felt), instead of what I know. As you read this, you’ll probably say “Well duh, Cristina…”but be kind as you read this more self-reflective post about  – it takes a while for things to get from what I know to match what I feel.

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I used to be outgoing, fun, and confident. Through a series of small choices I now am introverted, fearful, and insecure. I used to make friends all over, and where I still have friends, I’m more careful about caring about them and worry constantly about myself and what they must be thinking/feeling about me.

For example, I remember distinctly when I stopped reaching out to people I didn’t know. My family used to go see houses for sale all over the area we lived. Once, we ventured beyond this and saw a house in a small town called Salem (not Massachusetts). Afterwards, we went to the local park and my brothers ran off and so when I saw two girls about my age playing hide-and-seek, I naturally included myself in their game as I’ve previously done. The older girl gave me a blunt lecture to go away, why would I think I could play with them? I still don’t like that park or the equipment they were playing on at the time. And it was there that I made my first decision that I wasn’t good enough to be included.

This choice has been made repeatedly as I’ve tried to change so I could be included. I’m told it’s a common desire. One middle school yearbook gave me a list of how to be attractive to guys I had to be quiet, with long brown hair, big eyes, and some other stuff. When friends’ lives have led them elsewhere, I’ve always decided it was because they realized I didn’t fit or wasn’t good enough, to be their friend. Etc.

Now, I have settled in a job that was easy, afraid to move on, I've secluded myself far away from the world, and am still actively putting up barriers because the pain of losing people or whatever it is, has been too great and I’ve decided over and over again that I am not worth it – that it is better that I be alone, a fly on the wall, only an observer – because no one wants to hear my opinion. I’ve been seduced into this sense of selfishness and pride, and I have been stuck here for quite some time.

There is hope though. I’ve started making decisions anyway – looking at grad school, taking time off work, publishing this blog post, talking to good friends, adjusting my goals and expectations, and of course, turning to the Lord for help. So, I will continue on this path and hopefully shed these negative pieces as I learn to live more in the faith/hope/charity world.

Fear v. Trust

Why is it so easy to fear and so hard to trust?

I am finding that the root of all my troubles and worries is that I don't trust God. I find it so easy to remember to worry - that I don't have to consciously tell myself to worry. Ever.

January

Do you remember January? It’s June 30th today. I wrote this post back in January to see what was important and what people remember.

Some of my friends on Facebook wrote:

My New Year's Resolution is to have exponentially more fun in 2012 than I did in 2011! That's all. Happy New Years everyone!
Well, it’s 2012 and so far it’s been a great day!
Best year yet. Tonight I'm just happy to be spending time with my friends. :) Happy New Years Eve everyone!
2012 is here! Whoa!
2011, I am a huge fan! Thanks for giving me new friends, relationships, healing, income, understanding, businesses, and a whole new level of love. I am so grateful for you! May you continue to bear fruit and plant many more seeds in 2012!
 Life is truly good (:
Today was so much better than yesterday! Good outlook on the New Year? I am thinking yes!
It’s going to be a great year, I can tell already!

Do you remember the hope you felt in January? It was the beginning of a new year, a second chance at happiness. Hope is contagious. Hope is precious. Hope is vital. I hope the months in between January and now have left you joyful.

Remember to have hope. Remember that each new day is a gift, a second chance to try a little harder, to be a little better. 

Life gets in the way sometimes, but there is always hope.

What do you remember? What are you working on and what have you gotten distracted from? Remember January today. Remember to have hope today and remember to smile!

A Time to Dance

It is time to dance. It is time to be happy in the journey, no matter the trial we’re facing. To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven….A time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance.

Remember This

And now I would that ye should be humble and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive.

And see that ye have faith, hope, and charity, and then ye will always abound in good works.

 And may the Lord bless you, and keep your garments spotless, that ye may be at last be brought to sit down with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and the holy prophets who have been ever since the world began, having your garments spotless even as their garments are spotless, in the kingdom of heaven to go no more out.

Alma 7:23-25

The Comeback Kid

Why do we all love the "Comeback" victory? It is synonymous with triumph, improvement, victory, true winning. I mean, to have a good comeback, even just thinking of a witty remark, truly feels like a victory to me. Why though?

I think it has something to do with overcoming. I think it has something to do with remembering our struggle. Would the victory be so sweet if it was just handed to us? I mean, if you're on the winning team, a win is a win (i.e. the Lakers or Yankees), sure, but what about historic comebacks like

The Miracle Bowl: (1980 Holiday Bowl) BYU came back in the fourth quarter, including a "last second 'miracle' touchdown" for a 46 to 45 win against SMU Mustangs

And these {for those of you like me, I wrote a little bit about the game}. I promise that even though it's about sports it has a message for everyone.



The Buffalo Bills and the Houston Oilers in 1993 is currently the biggest comeback in the NFL. It was during the playoffs and the Bills were able to recover from a 32 point deficit to win in overtime.

The Miracle on Ice, 1980 (what a great year for monumental comebacks, no?), in the New York Olympics, the US team defeated the world's greatest hockey team, the Soviets.

I think this message strikes with us because we love the idea that someway, somehow, we can be successful. Maybe not here, maybe not in the way we expect, but in the end there will be a victory. We can do more than survive this world, even in the bleakest circumstances, a person can choose be happy, can have love, and can have a wonderful life. In the end, there will be a great comeback. The biggest obstacles will be overcome, there is always hope. There is a lot we can learn from sports, a lot we can learn from life if we will just take the time to remember and look around us.

I Feel My Savior's Love

I feel my Savior’s Love,

In all the world around me,

His Spirit warms my soul

Through everything I see

This post was initially a follow-up to my post on a Break in the Storm. As I’ve been talking and thinking about that post, I have gained more insight, and I know that where it is a decent beginning, I have a long way to go to truly see the depth and strength that the Gospel brings. I truly feel my Savior’s love all around me, when I pause to notice all the beauty and detail and care that has so clearly gone into the planning and execution of the world.

I feel my Savior’s Love

Its gentleness enfolds me

And when I kneel to pray,

My heart is filled with peace

It's gentleness enfolds me, every day, when I remember and turn to Him. He shows me the way back to  finding true joy, and hope for the future.

One person I have talked with, has said:

“Some of the most beautiful sunrises, and sunsets, occur around storms. I don't always notice the beautiful sunrise/sunset... because I'm focused on the storm, or its direct effects like resulting damage. When you have a bad storm, you just can't ignore the problems and skip/jump thru the little puddles like little children love to do.  But who is more likely to notice [the positive aspects] first?

“The child is. Both the adult, and the child were in the storm... the child may have even truly feared it more, but whatever you want to attribute it too... the child is the most likely to look up, enjoy, appreciate and benefit from the beautiful sunrise/sunset.

“For me personally, I seem to attach some sort of 'Hope' when I see a beautiful sunrise.  I think it's from times when things have seemed dark for me, that I'm reminded the world doesn't STAY dark”

I know that when I pray, I truly am filled with His peace. The devil certainly can be convincing, but when we pray, we can truly feel of our Savior’s love and learn of His plan for us, and once again find joy.

I know that He will bless me

I offer Him my heart

My Shepherd He will be

  

I’ll share my Savior’s love

By serving others freely

He knows I will follow Him

Give all my life to Him

I feel my Savior’s Love,

The Love He freely gives me.

These words are so poetic. We sing these songs so often that their meaning is usually lost on us. My Shepherd He will be. He knows I will follow Him. These things are easy to forget, to lose sight of; and when we do that it is easy to despair. 

Have you felt your Savior’s love today? Have you shared that love with others? Look for ways that you see His love and I promise you will find it. Look for Him in the beautiful sunrise and in the sunset, for the hope of a clear after the storm, in all the intricacies and details of your life, and in all the big plans. Great things are in store for you, though you may not see the pieces coming together, know that they are. Hope is just a prayer away. 

Also, here is a YouTube video of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing the song which inspired this post and reminded this author's heart of truth, peace, and love. I was having a hard day and then this song came up and helped me feel peace once more. I hope it helps you when you need to find peace, too.

Words by Ralph Rodgers Jr., K. Newell Dayley, and Laurie Huffman

Break in the Storm

Lately, I've been feeling this personal storm that's surrounded me these last few days is drawing to an end.

Whether that end will be for a long or short duration is naturally still in question. It could be a significant end to the storm, the clouds disperse, the sun comes out.

However, if it turns out to be a short break, and it's on to the next adventure, beset with troubles and tears, at least I have a beautiful little break.

Either way, I have found the reminder I needed, that God is there. The Sun is still shining behind the clouds, even when I cannot see it. Our God loves us enough to send us little reminders, little breaks in the storms of our lives. He always sends us hope, pleading with us to turn to Him, to find peace, hope, and faith in Christ, empowering us to change and to be something truly better, to become more like Him. Maybe my current storm is ending, maybe it is just pausing: I know in whom I trust, He is constant, He loves me, He has all power to help me become better, and all wisdom to bring me safely there, all at the perfect time.

Waiting

So, in my scripture study I've been reading about Abinadi, and today this message stuck out to me, and I have decided to share it with you.

Sometimes our purpose is to act, to speak, to write, to flea, to stand for something; other times, we are called to wait- to be still- to know that He is God.

Always, we are called to remember that whatever our circumstance, whatever our trial, He is there, "all flesh is in [His] hands" and "The waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below."

Abinadi waited for two years in the wilderness in between preaching to King Noah's people. Right now, I am also in a waiting period {though hopefully not so long or with a similar end}. Now is the time for me to strengthen any weakness or fear, to truly come to "know God and Jesus Christ whom He hath sent"

Though sometimes the ways are hedged up before us, and it seems we have little to no direction, we can always climb higher, to come to truly know Christ, His love, His power, His eternal nature, His entire knowledge and wisdom, so specific and so broad, completely encompassing the entire universe.

No matter our circumstance, we always need to remember Him. To show to ourselves and to Them that we will be faithful, that we will remember Them always, that we will not fall nor despair, knowing that all they who build upon the rock of Christ shall never fall, that none of us shall be lost.

His plan truly is the greatest, the most complete. Do not hold onto your own will, but have faith in His. Remember to always keep moving forward, even if moving forward requires some waiting. I love the scriptures and the hymns, I hope if you have time you will read the links that I have attached. There is so much wisdom to be gained, so much strength that truly comes from the Grace of God, through the Atonement of the Redeemer, even Jesus Christ. Our purpose in life is to truly come to know Him, to become as He is, and He truly knows how, has all power, and all the love and motivation in the universe to bring you there, if you will let Him.

Turn to Him

In the next few paragraphs, I will be sharing some thoughts I've had while reading some General Conference talks from October 2011. Please click on the links I've provided if they are of interest to you.

Today I received, fully, a revelation that I have needed and wanted to feel for a long time. Now I am prepared to receive the strength that comes only from God. I have found peace, and I have also felt Satan's attacks to persuade me otherwise. This revelation, though incredibly peaceful and wonderful, has been overwhelming at points because I want it to be so much from God, yet I was convinced I thought of it myself. Please know that the peace I feel is such that it only can be from God. We can turn to Him when we need to heal, when we need comfort, when we need a listening ear, and then we must move on with our lives, it is so important that we live, that we do not wait for the promised blessings to fall into our laps. I believe that He spoke to me; I believe that He is telling me to go on, and trust that healing is right on its way, it will take a little while, but it is coming. I need not fear, only have faith. I have a foundation built on Christ, and I know that whatever happens, whatever course my life takes, that He will be with me, that there is so much joy, my hurt is gone and I feel truly at peace.

The work is going on. Let yourself be a part of it. Live it every day. Trust in Him, and not what you see. Listen and then go to work. He has set you on a path, now live it. Do all you can to further the work. I know this one is comparatively short, but the message is true, and so very important.

Use your time wisely. You only have so much of it. It may seem like it is taking forever, but there really is not much time for all that truly must be done and you must be ready. “Let us be as quick to kneel as we are to text” is an interesting idea. Make sure that you are praying always. You must always have the Spirit, or you are wasting your time. He will guide you in the best way, how to organize your time, what to focus on, but you must be diligent, and always do the small and simple things. Today is the day. Use it wisely. Trust in His timing as you plan out what you can. Keep the Spirit with you always, and keep preparing to meet God, to give an account of your stewardship, and your faith in Him.

My strength must come from my foundation of Christ. It is only through Him that I will be able to keep moving forward. I know it is Him whom I trust, and this can help me to never doubt or waver in my resolve to be righteous, to move forward, and to have courage to stand strong and firm, even against my own doubts. Dare to be firm, dare to be true, dare to hope in Christ, even when all seems lost. We were reserved for this time. The Lord’s timing is perfect. Make no mistake: you are marked for success if you will trust in Him. Do not give way to doubt, insecurities, fears, or misguided words. Trust in Him and His timing. You cannot afford to do anything that would separate you from the angelic help, comfort, and guidance that are waiting for you, do the small and simple things every day to keep the faith, even in the darkest of times. Ponder. Keep asking for help. We can know of the truth, even when it is hard. We can know of the truth when it seems too good to last. Have faith, you will know. You do know. Share that knowledge with others, bring joy to their lives, be true to the truth and the trust that have been given to you. Follow the light and hold it up for all to see.

 We can receive answers to so many little things; you know this to be true. Since He is involved in the small things, do not be surprised or confused when He helps you with the big things as well. Keep the faith. Ask that which is right. Trust in the answer you were given. Then, live it. Believe it. Act on it. Do your part to move the work forward. He hears and answers you. Really. Sometimes, we receive the answer “no” to our strivings. I’ve felt this a lot lately. This is a blessing. It is also a sweet blessing to know that He has been speaking to you all along, and you know the answer. My answer of late has been to wait, to trust, and to keep living righteously. I have faith in that. I have faith that He is the God of Miracles, and that He is acting in my life to help me be happy. It takes time to learn how to listen, and I do not listen always the first time. It takes practice and effort, and because of it, you will receive and develop great faith and power in righteousness. Prayer is the provider of “spiritual strength; it is the passport to peace” I know prayer brings the Spirit back into our lives and most importantly into our hearts. Trust in Him, trust in what you heard. Rest now and live it today, tomorrow, and every day. He has a beautiful plan for you. He knows and loves you so much, you must live your life in faith, but all will be made right. Continue to trust, continue to pray, and continue to live after the manner of happiness.

Keep Moving Forward

Keep Moving Forward!

Do you remember why that is important? Probably, but regardless. In our swirling, twirling, ever busy lives, it becomes easier and easier to get lost. There comes a time in life, that because of this or that struggle it feels too hard to keep going any further. Somehow, life keeps going, and so do we. Which reminds me of this song, song, reminding us to put one foot in front of the other, keep walking. Quitting is easy. But there are those who are patient with others’ imperfections and choose to resist the winds of temptation and keep moving forward to their goal. They know what temptation feels like to the fullest extent, and they stand firm. With a little practice, we can too. We can give up the vices and temptations, and stand a little higher. The winds will still blow but we can be strong.

I made it to the top of one mountain in my life. Yes, just one. Anyway. It was remarkable. The view was remarkable and as soon as I caught my breath, I forgot the pain. Well, no. I didn’t forget it. But it made it meaningful. Do you know what else? There were so many more mountains ready to be climbed. Temptations, trials, errors to be overcome. Life keeps going, and so do we.

Keep moving forward. The end is in sight. There is a way out of whatever mess you find yourself in. There is always hope. No, I don’t personally know the details, but we all know enough to move forward. We can trust in and find peace that only the Savior of the World truly brings.

Take a minute, one little minute each day, look how far you have come. Are you moving forward? Are you getting better? Or are you getting worse with age? In Isaiah 25:6 the righteous are compared to “wine on the lees.” This wine, depending on the quality of the grapes, will make the wine better or worse if it is left on the lees. Are you getting better as you grow older? If you are not, you are getting worse, more responsible for your actions but no improvement. Most likely, you are at least making little movements forward.

I grew up in a football home, and where I do not play {very well}, I think about it anyway. For instance: 1. If there were no opposition in a football game, no one would watch, and no one would play. Life’s a little like that.  2. The goal is to keep moving forward, through the defenses and struggles, and to keep moving forward. Luckily in life we have a little more control over receivers and the players on our team, but in the same aspect, if we are not careful, we will slip up, and we will be pushed back.

Start today, with the New Year, keep moving forward. Keep climbing, onward and upward. It is hard and sometimes scary. It requires leaps of faith in others and with yourself. I love the quote “try a little harder to be a little better” from President Gordon B. Hinckley, just try a little harder each day to improve in some way. Make it a little farther through the marathon of your life. Don’t go backwards. You have a crucial part to play. You are surrounded by those who love you, you have support in place. Now, keep moving forward, on to bigger and better mountains to climb, for adventure is waiting.

With this New Year, the Resolutions abound, and so does the expectation that they won’t last very long. Right? Well, then don’t label this a “New Year’s Resolution.” Just try a little harder to be a little better, and remember to Keep Moving Forward.