Know and Feel

I live in the fear/anxiety/over-thinking world far too often. This post is an attempt to be genuine and open about what I feel (or felt), instead of what I know. As you read this, you’ll probably say “Well duh, Cristina…”but be kind as you read this more self-reflective post about  – it takes a while for things to get from what I know to match what I feel.

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I used to be outgoing, fun, and confident. Through a series of small choices I now am introverted, fearful, and insecure. I used to make friends all over, and where I still have friends, I’m more careful about caring about them and worry constantly about myself and what they must be thinking/feeling about me.

For example, I remember distinctly when I stopped reaching out to people I didn’t know. My family used to go see houses for sale all over the area we lived. Once, we ventured beyond this and saw a house in a small town called Salem (not Massachusetts). Afterwards, we went to the local park and my brothers ran off and so when I saw two girls about my age playing hide-and-seek, I naturally included myself in their game as I’ve previously done. The older girl gave me a blunt lecture to go away, why would I think I could play with them? I still don’t like that park or the equipment they were playing on at the time. And it was there that I made my first decision that I wasn’t good enough to be included.

This choice has been made repeatedly as I’ve tried to change so I could be included. I’m told it’s a common desire. One middle school yearbook gave me a list of how to be attractive to guys I had to be quiet, with long brown hair, big eyes, and some other stuff. When friends’ lives have led them elsewhere, I’ve always decided it was because they realized I didn’t fit or wasn’t good enough, to be their friend. Etc.

Now, I have settled in a job that was easy, afraid to move on, I've secluded myself far away from the world, and am still actively putting up barriers because the pain of losing people or whatever it is, has been too great and I’ve decided over and over again that I am not worth it – that it is better that I be alone, a fly on the wall, only an observer – because no one wants to hear my opinion. I’ve been seduced into this sense of selfishness and pride, and I have been stuck here for quite some time.

There is hope though. I’ve started making decisions anyway – looking at grad school, taking time off work, publishing this blog post, talking to good friends, adjusting my goals and expectations, and of course, turning to the Lord for help. So, I will continue on this path and hopefully shed these negative pieces as I learn to live more in the faith/hope/charity world.

Fear v. Trust

Why is it so easy to fear and so hard to trust?

I am finding that the root of all my troubles and worries is that I don't trust God. I find it so easy to remember to worry - that I don't have to consciously tell myself to worry. Ever.

Be Ok

My life goes in phases. I'm again finding it so important to remember that everything will be ok, and when I do that, I am able to let go of the stress and enjoy life again. I'm not exactly sure where the phrase "ok" comes from as I've heard a couple different ideas, but I like it. It's short and easy for me to remember. This has been on my mind lately and I wanted to share some thoughts.

Lies: Nothing but the Truth

Lately I've been thinking a lot about why lying is a big deal. I know we talk about it a lot, but I haven't really thought about it that much until recently.

This post will hopefully help us understand about lying, and find the compassion we need to forgive. We've all made mistakes and need to learn to let things go, but it takes a long time to get over the hurt. It also ties into hypocrisy, and intention. 

So, hypocrisy, the unintentional hurt, and disappointment from people not living up to the idea we have of them is hard to deal with. Yet, this is easier to forgive because "they didn't mean to." 

Hypocrites usually don't mean to be hypocritical. 

They've just justified their behavior to themselves, and don't feel like that label applies to them. 

What I'm trying to say, is that we need to get to a point where we don't take offense; even if it is intentional. Should it matter if it is a long series of intentional "offenses"? I submit that though it is much harder, it isn't something we should have to hold on to. Yes, this makes me a hypocrite because I've taken offense at someone when it was intentional, and of course when it was unintentional. I'm still a work in progress. It doesn't make the truth is any less true.

God doesn't lie. We are able to trust Him, something that is so vital to our progression, because we know He doesn't lie.Therefore, if I understand why lying is so awful and hurts so much, and change my perception and behavior, then I can be more like Him, I can be a better person, and I don't have to hurt those around me, and theoretically can forgive those who hurt me.

It's a tall order.

And I'm short {haha....but really}.We all fall short, when we're working alone.

Unfortunately, we live in a world where all people struggle, all people are going to disappoint us, try to cover up the hard truths with white lies, or are just scared of losing us, so they tell us what they think we want to hear, or what is easier for them to admit to. Come on, we've all been there.

So, why is it so hard on the other side? When you're the one that sees someone struggle, when you are the person your friend doesn't want to disappoint, is scared of losing, and can't admit their shortcomings to, it really hurts. Look - I have felt the hurt, and I don't have a perfect answer that allows you to heal yourself.

"You have your agency, and inspiration [or healing/progression] does not--perhaps cannot--flow unless you ask for it....No message in scripture is repeated more often than the invitation, even the command, to pray--to ask." President Boyd K. Packer

Lying hurts, it hurts those lied to and it hurts those who lie. Hypocrisy isn't going to go away over night but it is something we can work on, and we can learn to forgive even those closest to us, who we see repeatedly fall short. We can't do it alone. Yet, we can get through this challenge, like any other challenge set before us.

Life is Pain, Highness

People tend to forget, outside of the moment, what the phrases 'It will be hard,' 'life is difficult,' and that the phrase "this will hurt" truly mean, and that they are quite accurate. And then, that moment comes, and they want to give up, because it is so hard.

I do this...frequently. It doesn't make a ton of sense really, yet, it is so easy to forget.

I know I tend to trivialize pain, hurt, and the general trials of life, until they come. THEN I tend to exaggerate them, unconsciously, because my focus goes entirely inward, how I'm hurting, how life's unfair, how could this happen to me?

Well, I'm here to remind myself that pain is real.

Pain Hurts. Pain Scars. And Pain Ends.
Then, it comes back in a new form.

This post isn't written with the idea that "Life is pain, highness" but, to an extent, it is. I hate it when I feel like my pain is trivialized. It is deeply meaningful to me and I feel like that should matter to the people I share it with.

Life is going to hurt more than you can possibly imagine right now. You know enough. You are strong enough, when you turn to Christ. There is something worth fighting for.

Don't give in to the appealing "easy way." There isn't an Easy Button. It is ok that it hurts. It is ok that you really are crying. It is ok that everything feels wrong, directionless, and impossible.

Hold on to whatever level of faith you can manage, and move forward through the pain. Then, when you get out, don't forget what it taught you. Let the refining fire change you into something better, something that can remember, that the pain helped shape your eternal character. Removing your imperfections is a painful process, and it is going to take awhile my friend. Sorry about that. You'll get there, and you'll be glad you did.

Asking

Asking for help is probably the one of the hardest things in the world for most people. It can be a pride thing.  

In general, I have only considered this angle of the post. I am sure it extends to other things, but I think pride hinders asking significantly. One that isn't going to change by merely writing about it on a blog post, or reading about it either.  I would love a discussion about anything else, but for a minute, consider this:

"Pull over and just ask for directions!"

It's not just guys that can't ask for help. Maybe in asking for driving directions :) , but we all have areas where we just want to figure it out on our own. And is that bad? It's probably not the worst thing in the world, in all instances. Yet, it definitely can be a huge problem.

Briefly, I want to share three experiences where the prime lesson I've needed to learn is how to ask for help.

Arm and Foot, two experiences, within 6 months, injuries. Ok. Because I am super verbose, I am combining two injuries into one. Plus, they both happened while walking, so obviously they fit together. About a year and a half-to-two years ago, I broke by arm and had to have surgery on my foot from getting a toothpick stuck in there (pride moment: I had a dance competition, still went, and was a semi-finalist in Gold Latin....no I didn't know it was in there at the time or I would have complained too much and sat out). Well, during this time, of almost 6 months of a major limb not being functional, I had to swallow my pride and ask for help quite a lot. 

And, like I've been noticing lately, it isn't just hard for me. I had a friend who just stopped me, as I was trying to carry 8 empty, odd shaped boxes to the dumpster, and said very plainly that it is ok to ask for help, and that I truly needed it. There was no shame in asking, it just is needed. You are not less awesome for having to ask for a little help.

Third story: Car. Miracles. I don't own a car, from the end of January-March I was a substitute teacher teaching all over Utah and Wasatch counties. Now, I just work in Orem, but still need a car (the bus route is not efficient and I just don't want to ride it, again, it's a pride thing...). There has not been one day where I did not find a ride. But, I almost always had to ask for it. It definitely got easier as I went along, and as I asked the same people, but I always had to swallow my pride and admit to not being able to do something for myself. Do you see the miracle? It's May now, so that is about 100 rides. I paid for gas of course, but still. People were amazing and surely received many blessings from Heaven, and it started with asking. 

Moral of this story: Just ask for help. 

It is incredibly easy and can be prideful to only want to be the one giving service. Yes, the Savior gave service, but He also took service. It's not mentioned as much, but it seems His friends helped take care of Him too. That scripture I linked describes how Christ did not have a home to lay down for the night, but He spent it somewhere and is often with friends.

Just ask. My friend has a big need but she told me straight up that she wasn't going to ask for help {I wasn't able to help her either so it was safe to tell me this}. I am not trying to condemn her for pride, but it is intriguing. We all have areas where we fall short. We all have weaknesses. Sometimes, we don't even know what they are. So, ask for help, ask for feedback, ask for comments, direction, etc. 

Sorry, but your perspective isn't perfect. Neither is mine, naturally, but we must all learn to take feedback so that we can continue improving. I sometimes feel weak or worthless if I have to ask for help, but this is not true. It is true that I cannot do everything right, it is true that I fall short, that I don't see everything clearly, and so I must ask. People don't want to always jump in and tell me where I am failing, they don't want to "be mean" or sometimes, they just can't see where they can help me. There are lots of reasons, but there is no harm in asking for help. Just ask.

One last thing I would like to mention: Prayer. ASK for it. Don't just tell God of your problems; literally phrase it as a humble plea for help. Ask for help in thinking of solutions, ask for solutions, and ask for strength. I don't know, but you do, and He does too. And, He probably is the safest one to start asking for help, we know He loves us unconditionally, and perfectly knows our situation, so, start asking Him, and then He can help give you strength to ask your peers too.

Elder Richard G. Scott said "One of the great lessons that each of us needs to learn is to ask." That is how we receive personal revelation, that is how we receive truth, guidance, faith, strength, peace, we must humbly ask.

I hope this wasn't too out of line, boring, too repetitive, etc. I just have been noticing it a lot lately. People don't ask. They don't want to bother others; they don't want to draw attention to their ignorance/faults/other reasons. I know it can be hard, but I also promise it is worth it.

So, when I posted this on my Facebook/Twitter pages, I just asked people to read it, instead of just posting the link and an attempt at being witty...and this post got many more views than I've been typically been getting. Asking works people. :)

Forest and Trees

The only way you are going to be able to see the forest, instead of just trees is to get above it. If you limit yourself to only seeing that which is close, obvious, safe, or usual, you won't be able to see the bigger picture. This picture is not limited to the casual viewing of timbers. It applies all over, in jobs, in relationships, and most of all in the eternal scheme of things.

You do need to be able to navigate the trees that are right in front of you, the obstacles in your path, the daily checklists, the tasks and assignments, arguments, holidays, etc.

Just remember to open your heart, and see the forest {i.e, God's plan for you}through your faith. Climb above and beyond just what is right in front of you. Maybe you feel like the path you're on could never, ever lead where you want, and where God has promised it does. Trust in the known God to show you the unknown {to you}way. Trust in Him to guide you safely, for He does have a path for you, and through the Atonement, the way is prepared, though like any good hike, it requires effort to get there.

"Oh  man, remember and perish not." Do not despair, do not cease trusting, do not give in, all of these stop your progress, leaving you surrounded only by trees, never seeing the forest.

Trust God. There is a whole forest, there is a whole plan already figured out and, it's beautiful.

Laid at Your Feet

So, lately, I have been confused at where my long term plan is leading. I just started a new job and the change has been a good one, but a change all the same.


I love and cherish the words of the LDS Hymn, Lead Thou, Me On. See, I was talking with two friends the other day about our lives, how so much of it is in the air for us, and feeling a general lack of light on our paths, but I realized something that night at a fireside. The path is already at my feet. I'm already on it. Yes, it may seem dark to me, but there is a path, and like the idea :Don't ask God to guide your footsteps if you are not willing to move your feet."


So, I wanted to write a little post encouraging you to remember to keep walking. 


A personal example if you will: 
My transition from being a student to where I am now, had a period where I felt I was on a very rickety rope bridge, right on the edge of falling into a never-ending pit... yes, I was in a melodramatic stage...sorry about that. Anyway, I think I have gotten over the first set of scary bridges and wanted to report a little on what I have learned.


I started a new job, and have actually really loved it. I fit here. The people are amazing, I get to learn and grow, emotionally, spiritually, and of course mentally, I truly make a difference at their company, and I get to laugh along the way. They even feed me about once a week, plus a chocolate drawer in the kitchen and I'm in charge of keeping the front desk treats stocked{and as an added bonus, today they took me to PF Changs, delicious!}Anyway, I am getting side tracked here. The second day I worked there, I came home to a beautiful sunset, I put my hair up in a pony tail a little higher than normal {reminiscent of first grade, a fun story for another time}, actually thought of something outgoing, fun, and clever to say to someone I didn't know, which made us both smile, and had a marvelous evening at institute. I truly was happy and at peace, and knew that where I am in life is wonderful and where I need to be. A refreshing change. I'd been comparing my mood to the weather, and I'd say the past month or two, I've been in a cloudy mood, not like 'my life is terrible' 'I hate life' etc., just cloudy and overcast. The sun has finally broken through, and though my long term future is still unknown, I am happy.

Past/comfort zone-> <- rest of life

scary bridge: transition

Imagine yourself in this picture, for my attempt at a meaningful metaphor. You are standing on the bridge. Maybe there is a lot of fog too. Behind you, the land and soon to be the bridge, is on fire. Naturally, the bridge's supports are falling apart. And a madman is chasing you. You have to keep walking. In fact. Run. Get outta there. 

All these things, the madman, the fire, the state of the bridge, is time. Time doesn't allow you to go back. Stop dwelling on it. It's not changing; you are.

Don't stress about the future. That part of time is the fog. You can't clearly see how everything is going to go. But, the path is there at your feet. It may not seem terribly promising at the moment, but it will get you where you need to go, if you will keep going. 

Life however, does not seem so compelling to keep moving forward. Basically, it is like you are on a treadmill, and life just keeps going whether you walk or not. Well, that's probably not the best metaphor either. Go outside, go for a walk, go forward in your life. Don't dwell too much on the past or the future that you cannot find joy in the journey. Confront each day with hope, have faith, be humble enough to recognize your mistakes, where you can do better, etc. Keep moving forward. It's been my theme lately, I like it, and so I write about it often. Here is the first post  in the theme if you've forgotten since then.

There is a quote from a blog called Single Dad Laughing, which entertains me sometimes, instructs me at others, and is generally a fun one to follow {I don't agree with all of his philosophies, but hey, you probably don't agree with all of mine...}, and it reads

"If you find yourself in hell right now, ask yourself honestly: "Are you walking to the end, or are you turning around always trying to find a safer, less damaging route? If you are one of the ones walking, keep going. If you are among the latter, do something truly terrifying for yourself. Choose one road, any road, and start running. Run full speed and do not stop. Do not look back. Do not worry that you have made a wrong choice. The future will seem uncertain. It will seem unsafe. But you have to keep running. You must run until turning back is impossible. Only then will you see the beauty that sits on the horizon."

The path is already at our feet. All we have to do is find a way, any way, and keep moving forward. Things will work out, they always have, and they always will. Remember, if God can take care of the small things in life, the daily joys, don't forget or be surprised when He takes care of the big things too.

I Feel My Savior's Love

I feel my Savior’s Love,

In all the world around me,

His Spirit warms my soul

Through everything I see

This post was initially a follow-up to my post on a Break in the Storm. As I’ve been talking and thinking about that post, I have gained more insight, and I know that where it is a decent beginning, I have a long way to go to truly see the depth and strength that the Gospel brings. I truly feel my Savior’s love all around me, when I pause to notice all the beauty and detail and care that has so clearly gone into the planning and execution of the world.

I feel my Savior’s Love

Its gentleness enfolds me

And when I kneel to pray,

My heart is filled with peace

It's gentleness enfolds me, every day, when I remember and turn to Him. He shows me the way back to  finding true joy, and hope for the future.

One person I have talked with, has said:

“Some of the most beautiful sunrises, and sunsets, occur around storms. I don't always notice the beautiful sunrise/sunset... because I'm focused on the storm, or its direct effects like resulting damage. When you have a bad storm, you just can't ignore the problems and skip/jump thru the little puddles like little children love to do.  But who is more likely to notice [the positive aspects] first?

“The child is. Both the adult, and the child were in the storm... the child may have even truly feared it more, but whatever you want to attribute it too... the child is the most likely to look up, enjoy, appreciate and benefit from the beautiful sunrise/sunset.

“For me personally, I seem to attach some sort of 'Hope' when I see a beautiful sunrise.  I think it's from times when things have seemed dark for me, that I'm reminded the world doesn't STAY dark”

I know that when I pray, I truly am filled with His peace. The devil certainly can be convincing, but when we pray, we can truly feel of our Savior’s love and learn of His plan for us, and once again find joy.

I know that He will bless me

I offer Him my heart

My Shepherd He will be

  

I’ll share my Savior’s love

By serving others freely

He knows I will follow Him

Give all my life to Him

I feel my Savior’s Love,

The Love He freely gives me.

These words are so poetic. We sing these songs so often that their meaning is usually lost on us. My Shepherd He will be. He knows I will follow Him. These things are easy to forget, to lose sight of; and when we do that it is easy to despair. 

Have you felt your Savior’s love today? Have you shared that love with others? Look for ways that you see His love and I promise you will find it. Look for Him in the beautiful sunrise and in the sunset, for the hope of a clear after the storm, in all the intricacies and details of your life, and in all the big plans. Great things are in store for you, though you may not see the pieces coming together, know that they are. Hope is just a prayer away. 

Also, here is a YouTube video of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing the song which inspired this post and reminded this author's heart of truth, peace, and love. I was having a hard day and then this song came up and helped me feel peace once more. I hope it helps you when you need to find peace, too.

Words by Ralph Rodgers Jr., K. Newell Dayley, and Laurie Huffman

Break in the Storm

Lately, I've been feeling this personal storm that's surrounded me these last few days is drawing to an end.

Whether that end will be for a long or short duration is naturally still in question. It could be a significant end to the storm, the clouds disperse, the sun comes out.

However, if it turns out to be a short break, and it's on to the next adventure, beset with troubles and tears, at least I have a beautiful little break.

Either way, I have found the reminder I needed, that God is there. The Sun is still shining behind the clouds, even when I cannot see it. Our God loves us enough to send us little reminders, little breaks in the storms of our lives. He always sends us hope, pleading with us to turn to Him, to find peace, hope, and faith in Christ, empowering us to change and to be something truly better, to become more like Him. Maybe my current storm is ending, maybe it is just pausing: I know in whom I trust, He is constant, He loves me, He has all power to help me become better, and all wisdom to bring me safely there, all at the perfect time.

Waiting

So, in my scripture study I've been reading about Abinadi, and today this message stuck out to me, and I have decided to share it with you.

Sometimes our purpose is to act, to speak, to write, to flea, to stand for something; other times, we are called to wait- to be still- to know that He is God.

Always, we are called to remember that whatever our circumstance, whatever our trial, He is there, "all flesh is in [His] hands" and "The waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below."

Abinadi waited for two years in the wilderness in between preaching to King Noah's people. Right now, I am also in a waiting period {though hopefully not so long or with a similar end}. Now is the time for me to strengthen any weakness or fear, to truly come to "know God and Jesus Christ whom He hath sent"

Though sometimes the ways are hedged up before us, and it seems we have little to no direction, we can always climb higher, to come to truly know Christ, His love, His power, His eternal nature, His entire knowledge and wisdom, so specific and so broad, completely encompassing the entire universe.

No matter our circumstance, we always need to remember Him. To show to ourselves and to Them that we will be faithful, that we will remember Them always, that we will not fall nor despair, knowing that all they who build upon the rock of Christ shall never fall, that none of us shall be lost.

His plan truly is the greatest, the most complete. Do not hold onto your own will, but have faith in His. Remember to always keep moving forward, even if moving forward requires some waiting. I love the scriptures and the hymns, I hope if you have time you will read the links that I have attached. There is so much wisdom to be gained, so much strength that truly comes from the Grace of God, through the Atonement of the Redeemer, even Jesus Christ. Our purpose in life is to truly come to know Him, to become as He is, and He truly knows how, has all power, and all the love and motivation in the universe to bring you there, if you will let Him.

Turn to Him

In the next few paragraphs, I will be sharing some thoughts I've had while reading some General Conference talks from October 2011. Please click on the links I've provided if they are of interest to you.

Today I received, fully, a revelation that I have needed and wanted to feel for a long time. Now I am prepared to receive the strength that comes only from God. I have found peace, and I have also felt Satan's attacks to persuade me otherwise. This revelation, though incredibly peaceful and wonderful, has been overwhelming at points because I want it to be so much from God, yet I was convinced I thought of it myself. Please know that the peace I feel is such that it only can be from God. We can turn to Him when we need to heal, when we need comfort, when we need a listening ear, and then we must move on with our lives, it is so important that we live, that we do not wait for the promised blessings to fall into our laps. I believe that He spoke to me; I believe that He is telling me to go on, and trust that healing is right on its way, it will take a little while, but it is coming. I need not fear, only have faith. I have a foundation built on Christ, and I know that whatever happens, whatever course my life takes, that He will be with me, that there is so much joy, my hurt is gone and I feel truly at peace.

The work is going on. Let yourself be a part of it. Live it every day. Trust in Him, and not what you see. Listen and then go to work. He has set you on a path, now live it. Do all you can to further the work. I know this one is comparatively short, but the message is true, and so very important.

Use your time wisely. You only have so much of it. It may seem like it is taking forever, but there really is not much time for all that truly must be done and you must be ready. “Let us be as quick to kneel as we are to text” is an interesting idea. Make sure that you are praying always. You must always have the Spirit, or you are wasting your time. He will guide you in the best way, how to organize your time, what to focus on, but you must be diligent, and always do the small and simple things. Today is the day. Use it wisely. Trust in His timing as you plan out what you can. Keep the Spirit with you always, and keep preparing to meet God, to give an account of your stewardship, and your faith in Him.

My strength must come from my foundation of Christ. It is only through Him that I will be able to keep moving forward. I know it is Him whom I trust, and this can help me to never doubt or waver in my resolve to be righteous, to move forward, and to have courage to stand strong and firm, even against my own doubts. Dare to be firm, dare to be true, dare to hope in Christ, even when all seems lost. We were reserved for this time. The Lord’s timing is perfect. Make no mistake: you are marked for success if you will trust in Him. Do not give way to doubt, insecurities, fears, or misguided words. Trust in Him and His timing. You cannot afford to do anything that would separate you from the angelic help, comfort, and guidance that are waiting for you, do the small and simple things every day to keep the faith, even in the darkest of times. Ponder. Keep asking for help. We can know of the truth, even when it is hard. We can know of the truth when it seems too good to last. Have faith, you will know. You do know. Share that knowledge with others, bring joy to their lives, be true to the truth and the trust that have been given to you. Follow the light and hold it up for all to see.

 We can receive answers to so many little things; you know this to be true. Since He is involved in the small things, do not be surprised or confused when He helps you with the big things as well. Keep the faith. Ask that which is right. Trust in the answer you were given. Then, live it. Believe it. Act on it. Do your part to move the work forward. He hears and answers you. Really. Sometimes, we receive the answer “no” to our strivings. I’ve felt this a lot lately. This is a blessing. It is also a sweet blessing to know that He has been speaking to you all along, and you know the answer. My answer of late has been to wait, to trust, and to keep living righteously. I have faith in that. I have faith that He is the God of Miracles, and that He is acting in my life to help me be happy. It takes time to learn how to listen, and I do not listen always the first time. It takes practice and effort, and because of it, you will receive and develop great faith and power in righteousness. Prayer is the provider of “spiritual strength; it is the passport to peace” I know prayer brings the Spirit back into our lives and most importantly into our hearts. Trust in Him, trust in what you heard. Rest now and live it today, tomorrow, and every day. He has a beautiful plan for you. He knows and loves you so much, you must live your life in faith, but all will be made right. Continue to trust, continue to pray, and continue to live after the manner of happiness.

Learn to Live

In the space of an hour, I have truly felt healed. Many may say that that's impossible. But, I testify to all that the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ, can cause miracles of healing in our hearts.

I have been struggling for awhile, unhappy with the inability to plan my life, feeling like I was doing everything wrong. But then, I read this talk, and after a lot of prayer, I truly feel peace. 

Yes, I am still mostly in the dark, with no major, lasting specifics to guide my way. Yet, something has changed. I have learned it is so necessary to LIVE. Sometimes, living requires hurt, it requires an almost complete shut-down, while things struggle to make sense; Christ is always there. He will always reach our reaching. This implies that we reach. We try. We live. We find purpose. We find our foundation and are not scared to build upon it. 

His Grace is sufficient to heal any wound. His Grace is sufficient to heal a stubborn heart and give peace to the torn soul.

We can move forward, even in the darkest of surroundings, and still feel His Eternal, Perfect, Healing Peace. Love. Guidance. That is, if we keep asking and trusting His plan, walking in His ways, not after the desires of our own hearts, even when they are not "bad things" He truly has the Best things for us. Through trusting His plan, asking for help each day, we can truly feel peace. We may be weak. We need His grace. It is there. Reach for Him. Ask Him for help. Then, remember to Listen, because He so desperately wants to heal you, turn to Him, tell Him of your struggles, your fears, maybe write a blog post or two ;) 

Know that you are so loved. You can find peace too. You can learn how to live. It takes work, especially when nothing seems to be going right. But I truly know that it will, the pain will cease, and you can find joy when you turn to the Source, even Jesus Christ.

"His Grace is Sufficient"

I recently read a speech/article by Brad Wilcox, about the saving grace that Christ gives to us. I'm going to put a few quotes on here, instead of my usual interpretation because I feel like he says it much better than I can, so I posted the above link for the entire article and below are some of my favorite passages.

Christ’s Grace Is Sufficient to Transform Us

Christ’s arrangement with us is similar to a mom providing music lessons for her child. Mom pays the piano teacher. How many know what I am talking about? Because Mom pays the debt in full, she can turn to her child and ask for something. What is it? Practice! Does the child’s practice pay the piano teacher? No. Does the child’s practice repay Mom for paying the piano teacher? No. Practicing is how the child shows appreciation for Mom’s incredible gift. It is how he takes advantage of the amazing opportunity Mom is giving him to live his life at a higher level. Mom’s joy is found not in getting repaid but in seeing her gift used—seeing her child improve. And so she continues to call for practice, practice, practice.

If the child sees Mom’s requirement of practice as being too overbearing (“Gosh, Mom, why do I need to practice? None of the other kids have to practice! I’m just going to be a professional baseball player anyway!”), perhaps it is because he doesn’t yet see with mom’s eyes. He doesn’t see how much better his life could be if he would choose to live on a higher plane.

In the same way, because Jesus has paid justice, He can now turn to us and say, “Follow me” (Matthew 4:19), “Keep my commandments” (John 14:15).

The child must practice the piano, but this practice has a different purpose than punishment or payment. Its
purpose is change. I have born-again Christian friends who say to me, “You Mormons are trying to earn your way to heaven.” I say, “No, we are not earning heaven. We are learning heaven. We are preparing for it (see D &C 78:7). We are practicing for it.” They ask me, “Have you been saved by grace?”
I answer, “Yes. Absolutely, totally, completely, thankfully—yes!” Then I ask them a question that perhaps
they have not fully considered: “Have you been changed by grace?” They are so excited about being saved that maybe they are not thinking enough about what comes next. They are so happy the debt is paid that they may not have considered why the debt existed in the first place.



In the past I had a picture in my mind of what the final judgment would be like, and it went something like this: Jesus standing there with a clipboard and Brad standing on the other side of the room nervously looking at Jesus. Jesus checks His clipboard and says, “Oh, shoot, Brad. You missed it by two points.” Brad begs Jesus, “Please, check the essay question one more time! There have to be two points you can squeeze out of that essay.”
That’s how I always saw it. But the older I get, and the more I understand this wonderful plan of redemption, the more I realize that in the final judgment it will not be the unrepentant sinner begging Jesus, “Let me stay.” No, he will probably be saying, “Get me out of here!” Knowing Christ’s character, I believe that if anyone is going to be begging on that occasion, it would probably be Jesus begging the unrepentant   sinner, “Please, choose to stay. Please, use my Atonement—not just to be cleansed but to be changed so that you want to stay.”

The miracle of the Atonement is not just that we can go home but that—miraculously—we can feel at home there. If Christ did not require faith and repentance, then there would be no desire to change.


Christ’s Grace Is Sufficient to Help Us
“But Brother Wilcox, don’t you realize how hard it is to practice? I’m just not very good at the piano. I hit a lot of wrong notes. It takes me forever to get it right.” Now wait. Isn't that all part of the learning process? When a young pianist hits a wrong note, we don’t say he is not worthy to keep practicing. We don’t expect him to be flawless. We just expect him to keep trying. Perfection may be his ultimate goal, but for now we can be content with progress in the right direction. Why is this perspective so easy to see in the context of learning piano but so hard to see in the context of learning heaven?



The grace of Christ is sufficient—sufficient to cover our debt, sufficient to transform us, and sufficient to help us as long as that transformation process takes. The Book of Mormon teaches us to rely solely on “the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah” (2 Nephi 2:8). As we do, we do not discover—as some
Christians believe—that Christ requires nothing of us. Rather, we discover the reason He requires so much and the strength to do all He asks (see Philippians 4:13). Grace is not the absence of God’s high expectations. Grace is the presence of God’s power (see Luke 1:37).

Elder Neal A. Maxwell once said the following:
Now may I speak . . . to those buffeted by false insecurity, who, though laboring devotedly in the
Kingdom, have recurring feelings of falling forever short. . . .
. . . This feeling of inadequacy is . . . normal. There is no way the Church can honestly describe where we must yet go and what we must yet do without creating a sense of immense distance. . . . . . . This is a gospel of grand expectations, but God’s grace is sufficient for each of us.



With Elder Maxwell, I testify that God’s grace is sufficient. Jesus’ grace is sufficient. It is enough. It is all we need. Oh, young people, don’t quit. Keep trying. Don’t look for escapes and excuses. Look for the Lord and His perfect strength. Don’t search for someone to blame. Search for someone to help you. Seek Christ,
and, as you do, I promise you will feel the enabling power we call His amazing grace. I leave this testimony and all of my love—for I do love you. As God is my witness, I love the youth of this church. I believe in you. I’m pulling for you. And I’m not the only one. Parents are pulling for you, leaders are pulling for you, and prophets are pulling for you. And Jesus is pulling with you.

Agency

So, I have been thinking a lot about agency. It is probably one of my favorite topics, and yet it is still one I struggle to understand. Almost everything has changed in my life in the space of one month, and it is all out of my control at this point. And for a control freak like me, it has been really hard.

However, I know someone who loves us enough to let us truly make our own choices. He loves us enough to allow for His perfect plan of happiness to continue unaltered by our choices, because without our choice we could never end up as He is.

Some recent choices have truly hurt me in ways up until about a month ago I could not imagine. I naturally have a {useless} plan to make everything work the way I want it to. There’s an old Hebrew saying, that ‘if you ever want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans’. Well, I did and I don’t think He laughed, but He showed me quite clearly that He has very different plans, even different than what I had previously asked and felt about.

We must be strong. We must not fear. We must allow people to make their own choices, even when it hurts. We must let people not give us the job we feel we deserve, we must let people be inconsiderate of our feelings, we must let people choose for themselves. It hurts. It does not make sense. The hurt will cease, {though, unless things go according to my plans, I can’t see how J } and one day, it will make sense.

Trust that it will work out. Trust in Him, even when everyone around you lets you down, hurts you in ways you cannot imagine. I am still quite young and inexperienced, so I know there is a lot more physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual hurt that I truly cannot plan for {which scares me} but I also know that I am loved. I am not forgotten.

You are loved, and you are not forgotten. Do not lose faith in His timing, even if His will or others’ agency makes no sense to you. Keep the faith and Keep Moving Forward.

Puzzles and Perspective

Puzzles

Puzzles

Puzzles

Puzzles intrigue me. I have two main metaphors that I use with puzzles, which I find calming, bringing life back into perspective. They are by no means perfect, but fun to think about and to remember.

When putting a puzzle together, I often find a piece that looks perfect. It has the right colors, it has the basic shape. But it does not fit. The angle is wrong. The corners don't line up. I usually fight with it for a little while begging it to just go where I want.

I love to plan things- I love to watch my plans unfold in my life and I love seeing how everything just fits together. Sometimes, like with a perfect job, or a perfect school, perfect life, everything just seems so close that it physically hurts when it does not fit together. If the angle was changed in just the right way it would fit perfectly.

But where does that leave the rest of the puzzle, the piece that was meant to go there? What about where the altered piece was supposed to go? 

There is a Hebrew proverb that fits here- "if you ever want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." We don't have the perspective to always know what is right for us. We have our ideals and our visions of grandeur, but sometimes they fall apart. The pieces don't fit together.

I'm at a point right now in life where for myself and those around me, life is starting to fall into place. When we continue on doing the best we can with the pieces of our lives we can see and manage, we can take a step back and see the picture of what is to come. Because of Him, all the pieces have a place. Each piece contributes a vital piece to the puzzle of our individual lives, and the puzzle of the entire world. 

My second metaphor is closely related and I can sum it up in one sentence:

I figure, if God can guide the tiny pieces into their perfect places, He can surely guide the big pieces.

Sometimes in my day, I am just miserable about something. It is probably small and of no consequence, but still it is hard. One semester, I had to walk a long way to class, up and down this really long set of stairs at least 5 times a day, and was always almost late for class. This was in the summer and it was really hot. I would come up the stairs after the second time and just want to cry. Luckily I kept walking. But everyday, for just thirty seconds, this little breeze enveloped me. I felt better and refreshed because of it. Other times I will be in an extreme hurry or coming home from a long day, and I just want a good parking spot. And I can tell you that I found them. I found the comfort that I was seeking. 

If He can give me what I need just when I need it, these little moments, I know He can put the big ones in place, like the rewards of my work, education, job, spouse, health, etc. It's in the little blessings that we truly find the Lord's magnificence. Big puzzles are easy to put together. The little puzzles that look so close together and have so much detail its hard to distinguish, are for the more advanced puzzlers. He is already the master of the small things so I can trust that He will take care of the Big Pieces too, and He has.

Keep life in perspective. Keep moving forward. Remember Him. Remember that even if your life puzzles you with all its confusing intricacies that there is the Master at the helm, He can see what goes where, He knows what your puzzle will look like when it is finished, He knows how to connect it to the entire world, everything has a place. Trust in Him.