Know and Feel

I live in the fear/anxiety/over-thinking world far too often. This post is an attempt to be genuine and open about what I feel (or felt), instead of what I know. As you read this, you’ll probably say “Well duh, Cristina…”but be kind as you read this more self-reflective post about  – it takes a while for things to get from what I know to match what I feel.

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I used to be outgoing, fun, and confident. Through a series of small choices I now am introverted, fearful, and insecure. I used to make friends all over, and where I still have friends, I’m more careful about caring about them and worry constantly about myself and what they must be thinking/feeling about me.

For example, I remember distinctly when I stopped reaching out to people I didn’t know. My family used to go see houses for sale all over the area we lived. Once, we ventured beyond this and saw a house in a small town called Salem (not Massachusetts). Afterwards, we went to the local park and my brothers ran off and so when I saw two girls about my age playing hide-and-seek, I naturally included myself in their game as I’ve previously done. The older girl gave me a blunt lecture to go away, why would I think I could play with them? I still don’t like that park or the equipment they were playing on at the time. And it was there that I made my first decision that I wasn’t good enough to be included.

This choice has been made repeatedly as I’ve tried to change so I could be included. I’m told it’s a common desire. One middle school yearbook gave me a list of how to be attractive to guys I had to be quiet, with long brown hair, big eyes, and some other stuff. When friends’ lives have led them elsewhere, I’ve always decided it was because they realized I didn’t fit or wasn’t good enough, to be their friend. Etc.

Now, I have settled in a job that was easy, afraid to move on, I've secluded myself far away from the world, and am still actively putting up barriers because the pain of losing people or whatever it is, has been too great and I’ve decided over and over again that I am not worth it – that it is better that I be alone, a fly on the wall, only an observer – because no one wants to hear my opinion. I’ve been seduced into this sense of selfishness and pride, and I have been stuck here for quite some time.

There is hope though. I’ve started making decisions anyway – looking at grad school, taking time off work, publishing this blog post, talking to good friends, adjusting my goals and expectations, and of course, turning to the Lord for help. So, I will continue on this path and hopefully shed these negative pieces as I learn to live more in the faith/hope/charity world.

All These Things

So, you know those times where everything piles up, well, it's been one of those times. Combine that with I've been doing a ton of writing at work, and you get a huge delay in writing. Even now is a rush-write.

Life constantly changes, we all know this. It just keep striking me because this "next phase of my life" is taking quite some time to settle. If you had talked to me in August, every single aspect of life was quantitatively and qualitatively different than it is today.

Imagine if you will, an empty vessel of some kind. Now, pretend that as life's experiences come and go, they fill it up, a little bit at a time. Now, this vessel is an empty version of you--of each one of us. In my life, I've probably filled up my right leg metaphorically, with experiences. As I grow and experience life, I become a little more "full" if you will, I become a little bit more of who I truly am

These changes in my life right now feel so huge and intimidating at times. I just have to remember to take it one step at a time, it's just like starting college, high school, or even going down that tall, scary water slide for the first time and getting to the bottom and realizing truth :). Life keeps moving forward, things change, isn't that great? I read something the other day, about "all things have an end- they give the example of friends ;) cheesy, yes--but fair. Christ does not end, life does not end, eternity does not end (so do many other, non-applicable words, but you get my [and the original author's] point).

We need to remember our purpose. We need to remember that all these things shall work for our good. And, that is wonderful. It's hard to remember. It's hard to take that plunge and then keep waiting for reality to sink in, (you probably got stuck on the metaphorical water slide, but you'll get to the end, twist and turn, push a little harder). Keep filling your life with wonderful experiences, find joy, and try new and exciting things. It's not as scary or stressful as you think it is. It's just the first time you're doing something, but I promise, it will be safe, it will be fun, and you will "make it."


*I just got back from a water park with my dad and little sister, hence the water slide references...but I think they apply anyway.
**In other news, I've been learning how to make websites, and I've been really thinking about making one for me. It won't be anything terribly special, but if I move mine, I'll give you plenty of notice (mostly because it will take me ages to set it up)

Puzzles and Perspective

Puzzles

Puzzles

Puzzles

Puzzles intrigue me. I have two main metaphors that I use with puzzles, which I find calming, bringing life back into perspective. They are by no means perfect, but fun to think about and to remember.

When putting a puzzle together, I often find a piece that looks perfect. It has the right colors, it has the basic shape. But it does not fit. The angle is wrong. The corners don't line up. I usually fight with it for a little while begging it to just go where I want.

I love to plan things- I love to watch my plans unfold in my life and I love seeing how everything just fits together. Sometimes, like with a perfect job, or a perfect school, perfect life, everything just seems so close that it physically hurts when it does not fit together. If the angle was changed in just the right way it would fit perfectly.

But where does that leave the rest of the puzzle, the piece that was meant to go there? What about where the altered piece was supposed to go? 

There is a Hebrew proverb that fits here- "if you ever want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." We don't have the perspective to always know what is right for us. We have our ideals and our visions of grandeur, but sometimes they fall apart. The pieces don't fit together.

I'm at a point right now in life where for myself and those around me, life is starting to fall into place. When we continue on doing the best we can with the pieces of our lives we can see and manage, we can take a step back and see the picture of what is to come. Because of Him, all the pieces have a place. Each piece contributes a vital piece to the puzzle of our individual lives, and the puzzle of the entire world. 

My second metaphor is closely related and I can sum it up in one sentence:

I figure, if God can guide the tiny pieces into their perfect places, He can surely guide the big pieces.

Sometimes in my day, I am just miserable about something. It is probably small and of no consequence, but still it is hard. One semester, I had to walk a long way to class, up and down this really long set of stairs at least 5 times a day, and was always almost late for class. This was in the summer and it was really hot. I would come up the stairs after the second time and just want to cry. Luckily I kept walking. But everyday, for just thirty seconds, this little breeze enveloped me. I felt better and refreshed because of it. Other times I will be in an extreme hurry or coming home from a long day, and I just want a good parking spot. And I can tell you that I found them. I found the comfort that I was seeking. 

If He can give me what I need just when I need it, these little moments, I know He can put the big ones in place, like the rewards of my work, education, job, spouse, health, etc. It's in the little blessings that we truly find the Lord's magnificence. Big puzzles are easy to put together. The little puzzles that look so close together and have so much detail its hard to distinguish, are for the more advanced puzzlers. He is already the master of the small things so I can trust that He will take care of the Big Pieces too, and He has.

Keep life in perspective. Keep moving forward. Remember Him. Remember that even if your life puzzles you with all its confusing intricacies that there is the Master at the helm, He can see what goes where, He knows what your puzzle will look like when it is finished, He knows how to connect it to the entire world, everything has a place. Trust in Him.