I live in the
fear/anxiety/over-thinking world far too often. This post is an attempt to be
genuine and open about what I feel (or felt), instead of what I know. As you
read this, you’ll probably say “Well duh, Cristina…”but be kind as you read
this more self-reflective post about – it takes a while for things to get
from what I know to match what I feel.
I used to be outgoing,
fun, and confident. Through a series of small choices I now am introverted,
fearful, and insecure. I used to make friends all over, and where I still have
friends, I’m more careful about caring about them and worry constantly about
myself and what they must be thinking/feeling about me.
For example, I remember
distinctly when I stopped reaching out to people I didn’t know. My family used
to go see houses for sale all over the area we lived. Once, we ventured beyond
this and saw a house in a small town called Salem (not Massachusetts).
Afterwards, we went to the local park and my brothers ran off and so when I saw
two girls about my age playing hide-and-seek, I naturally included myself in
their game as I’ve previously done. The older girl gave me a blunt lecture to go away,
why would I think I could play with them? I still don’t like that park or the
equipment they were playing on at the time. And it was there that I made my
first decision that I wasn’t good enough to be included.
This choice has been
made repeatedly as I’ve tried to change so I could be included. I’m told it’s a
common desire. One middle school yearbook gave me a list of how to be
attractive to guys I had to be quiet, with long brown hair, big eyes, and some
other stuff. When friends’ lives have led them elsewhere, I’ve always decided
it was because they realized I didn’t fit or wasn’t good enough, to be their
friend. Etc.
Now, I have settled in a
job that was easy, afraid to move on, I've secluded myself far away from the
world, and am still actively putting up barriers because the pain of losing
people or whatever it is, has been too great and I’ve decided over and over
again that I am not worth it – that it is better that I be alone, a fly on the
wall, only an observer – because no one wants to hear my opinion. I’ve been
seduced into this sense of selfishness and pride, and I have been stuck here
for quite some time.
There is hope though.
I’ve started making decisions anyway – looking at grad school, taking time off
work, publishing this blog post, talking to good friends, adjusting my goals
and expectations, and of course, turning to the Lord for help. So, I will
continue on this path and hopefully shed these negative pieces as I learn to
live more in the faith/hope/charity world.
