Integrity's Borders

In the BYU community, an issue has come up, which resides in shades of gray, causing many to angrily take sides. For the sake of time, here is the specific issue, but in general, it has to do with someone calling someone else out on an Honor Code issue.


There are two key places where people disagree. First, about keeping the Honor Code, and second, should we call someone else out {and if so, how?}?


First, keeping the Honor Code. I think that if someone has signed something saying they will or will not do something, that should be that. They should not toe the line and they should not be surprised if people notice when they slip up. Now, please. This does not mean we judge or seek to hurt people, but let's be honest. People notice when others do not live up to the standards they proclaim. For instance, the Honor Code is quite clear on matters of facial hair, leggings and skirt length, curfew, and on other major issues, people in BYU notice, and people outside the school, LDS or not, definitely and acutely notice. 


"I have read and agree to the terms" we all read that, check the box, but rarely if ever, do we read the actual terms. However, if you violate the terms listed, even without reading, you are still responsible to that legal document because you said you did. Similarly, BYU has a list of terms and conditions to attend this school. Instead of just assuming we agree and understand the terms, BYU has gone a step further and has an Ecclesiastical Endorsement process where these terms are explained to you and you once again agree to them. 


So, live up to what you agree. Next. 


Should we call each other out? Does the man who gave the note in this have a problem? Is he a creep? I don't know, but I don't think it actually matters. Please see this post for my stance on modesty and respect, if you would like to understand more about that specifically.


Whose responsibility is it that you keep the Honor Code? It is on your honor, so it ultimately comes down to you. However, is it wrong for people to help remind you? Is it wrong for people to notice and talk to you about it? In this particular instance, I don't know that the man was in the right. I don't have all the answers. It only mildly surprises me that this got to be such a big issue. Mostly, it disappoints me.


See, as a people, we proclaim that we have the fullness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, which I can only assume means that we also claim to live it. We claim to love each other, to want to help each other. And then, something like this comes up, we blow it way out of proportion, we fight, we take offense, we stir the pot of guilt and anger, ultimately of hate.


I would hope people would individually keep their word of honor. I would hope that returned missionaries would live what they have taught, I would hope that people would love each other. So, it disappoints me when I see that they do not. It disappoints me when we forget. That's why this blog focuses so much on remembering. 


The two issues at hand are not eternally significant by themselves. Depending on where we go from here, however, can be eternally significant. I would urge you to remember to live what you believe, and to lovingly seek to help those around you too. Ultimately, we are trying to become like Christ, to strengthen the feeble knees and lift up the hands that hang down. We can't do that if we carry on bringing others down with us. I don't have a specific sheet to tell you when to talk to someone, but Heavenly Father is there and will help you as you seek to help yourself and others become a little better. 


No one is perfect, and I don't pretend to know the right answers all of the time. It is so much easier to say the right things than it is to live them. But, we must remember to keep trying. When someone gives me a note  saying I need to step up, I hope that after the initial shock, that I do. I hope that if I talk to my friends about standards issues that they listen to me. I hope that we can all remember to live with integrity. And, I hope that when we fall, we remember to get back up and to keep trying.

Modesty

I recently read a blog post trying to explain why women should be modest, please thoughtfully consider, even if you don’t agree, what I have to say. The writer was inspired to write this post because one day in a choir class, the teacher excused the men and talked to the women about modesty. One of the men in the class had asked the teacher to talk to the girls about being more modest. The reason a woman should be modest, that the teacher gave, was basically that men cannot control their thoughts and so it is a woman’s duty to be modest to save the men.

I agree with the writer that that is not the most important reason. We ought to respect ourselves enough to dress modestly. I think, however, that this includes respecting men {and women} too. I think it is sad, the hate and anger the writer allowed into her heart, and her response helped inspire this blog. It is so important to remember why we are modest, and so much more.

The man who complained to the choir teacher about the standards of modesty should not be ridiculed because he asks people to be more modest. I would hope that he was asking for help. If I ask for some help, I would hope that people would listen.

Now, don't get me wrong, I think that just because the writer's choir teacher did not necessarily have a good argument {I wasn’t there, just read on the post} does not make the issue a wrong or misguided one.  

Modesty is sacred. It doesn’t end when you become an “adult,” or married, or anything else. Modesty is an eternal principle. It is more than just what we wear, it includes how we act, if we are humble enough to accept change, or if we will be too proud to listen and give people help and encouragement when they need it.

The author of the blog continued, discussing that within many nudist beaches the human body is not as much of a sex object and that justifies the lack of clothing and immodesty. However, where this may not be her main point, we are not just modest to avoid sexual thoughts or because we live in a “sex crazed society”. As well, having nudist colonies, as the blog writer implies, would not solve the problem of a sex driven society, it would just remove the mystery.

The author of the blog understands that respect is at the bottom of our actions. However, in a way, I feel she did an injustice to the male population. I’m not trying to speak for men, being a female, but they may have a different perspective than I think she understands. Like it or not, what you wear says a lot about you, and people think about you and what you wear may inspire more thoughts that we would not wish.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, what about a moving, 3D picture that is directly, or indirectly, interacting with us?  Neurologically men are much more motivated by visual images. These images influence them even within that split second before they put it out of their minds. This in no way makes the woman the evil temptress; however, it should be a consideration. Yes, respect is the most central reason that I can identify for being modest. Please respect yourself, and respect those who will see and interact with you.

There are things that influence us. They do not force us into our thoughts or our actions, unless we yield to them. It is a wonderful thought that in this world we can be impervious to all the evils out there. However, we should not be so idealistic that we do not recognize the effect they really have. God's principles of modesty are eternal, they are not context dependent, and they are not negotiable. Their application may vary with the times and yet, that does not negate the deeper meaning of modesty.

Modesty is more than wearing the right clothes. It is living correctly, in all aspects: in dress, in speech, in word, it is loving those around us; not just respecting ourselves, but those around us. Even the men who think differently and are so often the scapegoat of today’s society {I do not mean to say that men are blameless, just that they are often a target these days}.

It is so important to remember why we are modest.

The man in the choir class was asking for help, and the choir teacher did the best she knew how to help him. Modesty is sacred. Let us remember to be modest, to be teachable, and to be compassionate to the struggles of others.