The Great DC Adventure 2013

This is more of an update in my life - but if you are looking for something to read, feel free to read my long tale of my time in DC.

When you begin to live life, you begin to have adventures. Sometimes, they may not seem to be extraordinary adventures, but any adventure is better than no adventure.

Most of my life was spent in the ‘no adventure zone’ until I started noticing the adventure around me, especially when I started limiting my "I'm bored, I'll get on Facebook" time and other things like that.

This last series of events, which as I begin to type this, aren’t over yet – but it is the best time I have to start writing them down.

Ok.

Since Sunday

Well, it's been so different since I cut back on my media use a few days ago.

An Idea

I've had an idea to help my life, blogging world.

I am going to try to 'unplug' as it were for the entire month of May, which does include my birthday. Naturally this isn't going to be entirely possible - I will still have my phone for basic contact, and I will still check my emails occasionally, though on a limited basis. And work I manage their social media so that doesn't get to count. So, if you really want to hear from me, read the blog, email, or text/call me. I'm not hiding from people, just distractions.

How to Get Rid of Bitterness

Gratitude isn’t something I’m ‘good’ at. I am a ‘realist’ and so often forget to look for the blessings in life. In fact, I tend to see all good things that happen as a reward of my effort and all the bad things as ‘________ is against me’ (whoever/whatever is at ‘fault’ besides me). I’ve only begun to really notice as I’ve felt the bitterness entrench itself a little deeper in my heart.

In my patriarchal blessing it talks about how I’m a ‘happy’ person, and lately I’ve been almost mocking that, and then a sweet coworker left a note at my desk saying she was grateful I was so sweet and happy to her. I couldn’t understand it, when had I been happy, cheerful, or sweet at work? Didn’t work make me tired, a little frustrated, and lonely sitting by myself all day?

That got me to look back over the week, and I realized how happy I was at work – the people there are not just ‘coworkers’ they are my friends and I am actually happy when I am with them.

Since early November, I’ve had a little gratitude journal where I write a few things every day, of what I am grateful for that day. When I was asked to start one it came with all sorts of stats about how it would make my life so much happier – and all I could see was how my life has spun downward, this ‘gratitude thing’ wasn’t working.

I’m not there yet – but at church today I received a key clarifier – in the hymn, “How Great Thou Art” it has a line that says something about our Savior was glad to hang on the cross and suffering for us. At first, my immediate reaction was sarcastic – “oh I bet He was just SO HAPPY to be suffering” and then I realized that you don’t have to have a life free from pain to be happy and grateful to be where you are.

Later in Relief Society, we were given a beautiful lesson where my heart opened up. And at the end, our instructor gave us a little notebook that says “I am awesome – Reasons I like being me” and it may sound super cheesy – but this is going to be a challenge for me, it’s a whole notebook. But I did come up with one to start out, and maybe I’ll just find one a day, but hey, I’ve got a whole life.

Gratitude is a process and it is something I desperately need to develop, but I’m on my way. The Atonement is infinitely powerful and can help my heart heal from my selfish pride and egocentric views. I’ve started taking my acknowledgement of blessings past the gratitude journal reflection time I have at the end of the day, and I’ve finally begun the path to becoming a grateful person – to feel it in my heart and not just mentally acknowledge that I ‘should’ be grateful. I know that when I look to my Savior in true gratitude and recognition for the blessings in my life, I will be happy. Even if it means being glad I can suffer this pain to learn a new lesson to help me get to know Him better.

Reason I like being me #1: My Savior loves and helps me and that definitely counts for something big. And I am grateful for His gentle hand as He shows me just how far I need to go and also my next step to get there. With His help, I’ll master this thing called gratitude and remember Him always.

What to do about Politics

I promised I'd try to provide a little more context, so that at least my 'lectures' make more sense about what's going on in my life. And don't worry, this post will probably anger everyone equally.

A big political discussion is in full swing surrounding the Supreme Court cases (marriage, equality, government, etc.) And I have my firm opinions politically. And, if you don't know what I'm talking about, check out Facebook, Twitter, or your favorite news station. Yet, what I want to talk about is that all I ever hear and feel is:

One Day at a Time

“Please help me give up the pain that is from my selfishness and pride” – I said, right before starting to type, worried that my thoughts will spiral down instead of up.

I’ve found writing helps me figure out how I’m actually feeling inside the mess that is my mind. Lately my life has been a mix between blur of activity and almost thoughtless monotony. Usually, within the same day. The whirlwind leaves me …conflicted.

On March 26^th, I will have been working at the same job for exactly a year – we went to lunch at work today to celebrate. They asked me what kinds of things I’d learned in my year, and then the conversation moved on before I really had time to think about it {you all remember how I’m a slow thinker}. Well, one of the things I’ve learned is that it is good to be diligent in our thinking – in other  words, slow. Actually to be clear, I think it’s a slow decision making process, I actually think quite quickly. Ok. Moving on.

And one of the things I’ve learned about in my quest to be a well-rounded thinker – is 1- Pain is a great teacher and 2 – I don’t have to hold on to every kind of pain expecting all pain to actually be what I should be feeling. Emphasis on “should be feeling.” (i.e., that the feeling of pain is from God to teach me / I should feel pain) 

I am often feeling guilty for things or holding on to selfish comforts, or ideas about how things ‘should be.’

For instance, “I should be happy in my life” and “I should be miserable” are both phrases I often feel I should be feeling – at the same time. When I started this post, I mentioned I feel conflicted. These are the ends of the spectrum I feel – though I should mention before the comments and emails I am not miserable though I get sad sometimes, and as I remember my relationship with Christ, I am happy much more often, and for longer amounts of time. 

There are times when the thought is very firm in my mind that because I don’t have A, B, or C, that I should be upset. And, at times I often give in to the hurt - though I am getting better at remembering Him faster each time, and it is getting slightly easier to give up whatever is holding me back from feeling God's love for me and all of His children (that's you!).

I’m grateful I can pray to my Father in Heaven and ask Him to help me learn, and yet give up the pain, the selfishness, the pride of my heart. And you know what, often times the anxiety goes away. After this, I am left hoping that I won’t have to feel that way again and often I fear that I will anyway, then I am gently reminded I am becoming more like Him  one day at a time. It’s a slow process for this slow thinker, but in the end, I’ll get there. We’ll get there. Let’s keep going.

**I am a little nervous to post this because I don't want to deny the reality of pain, and it often takes more than a simple prayer to make it go away - all I can say is, take it one moment of pain at a time, and ask for help learning and moving through that problem/hurt/confusion/etc. I am definitely not perfect and have pain, but as I remember His promises, I can let go of some pain and come back to Him**

Fear v. Trust

Why is it so easy to fear and so hard to trust?

I am finding that the root of all my troubles and worries is that I don't trust God. I find it so easy to remember to worry - that I don't have to consciously tell myself to worry. Ever.