Teaching Beauty

The other day, I was asked what I would say/do to help a father teach his 12 year old daughter about beauty. It was a specific email and request, but below is what I replied (slightly modified for this audience). He had asked me to avoid, or at least not base my response on the teachings of the gospel. This was a hard challenge for me, because that is where I truly feel the complete answer is. However, there is a lot of truth and so, here is what I replied (after a lot of prayer and pondering):

We live in a world of extremes. I would start by saying teach her how to balance the extremes and the messages she will and has heard. From my experience, teenage girls (and women, and probably men...) want acceptance, they want to belong, and feel like they matter (that they make a difference, to someone, somewhere). Throughout history, and biology, a woman's physical appearance is significant, and it’s only been intensified with the media. So, I have three points that all mesh together. First: Identity, Second: Goals, and Third: Your Part. Help her uncover what really matters, what beauty really means, and how to balance all the messages she will hear and think about throughout her life.

Identity:

According to many psychological theorists, adolescents specifically are facing the identity crisis. For women, this strongly relates with their beauty (though of course men face similar challenges, but we’re ignoring them for now). So, I would recommend helping her figure out who she is. This will help her realize her worth and potential, helping her become a part of something – which, to me, seems like a common struggle. Help her find out what she likes and doesn't like, what she's good at, help her learn to balance herself - academics, art, beauty, physical ability, emotions, etc. Knowing who I am helps me weigh all the messages I hear, and figure out what I really believe.

Goals:

A popular attempt to counteract the mainstream media / image, is to show what “real” women look like by saying "let go, just be yourself" which worries me because it is very close to "give up, why try". This is fine, and a lot better than just feel worthless for not looking like that airbrushed model... HOWEVER, we are born with the desire to make ourselves better, to keep improving, to work, to move forward, to be 'unstuck'. Therefore, if we subscribe fully to this idea that it is ok to be lazy, it is ok to have big hips, acne, etc. because "that's just who I am", we more easily give up, we stop moving forward, and then, we don’t really believe it, making us feel so much worse than before. It is therefore very important to have goals, to have a purpose, to work towards something (a realistic and healthy something). While we’re talking beauty, I would suggest some physical activity, or something like that – whether that’s walking for 10 minutes a day, or joining a local soccer club or something, I do believe the research that physical activity helps self-esteem, and for me, a significant portion comes from goals. People need to work towards something.

Your Part:

A popular argument against, for example, teaching your child about your religion is that you’re forcing it on them and they have no choice. They argue that they want their children to decide for themselves. This is fine – except, that they are still going to be influenced by others, the media, schools, friends, etc. So, the response is that if you don’t teach religion, who will? In the same way, if you don’t teach your daughter about beauty and worth, and how to take care of her body, she will learn it from others. And the media is quite persuasive. And often wrong, and unhealthy to follow blindly.

There is more than just a pretty face to being and feeling beautiful – life is a difficult balance, and I wouldn't want her to give up trying and just wallow. I would say your role as her father, is to show her another option – to show her how to balance the good and bad that the media offers, to teach her how to take care of her body so she is the best she can be.

Anyway, that is what I said. What do you say? What other factors are there to beauty?

A Father's Blessing

The last two days, I have been very sick. It has been the most intense, or severe, sickness I have had in my memory (though that is not saying too much in comparison). I started feeling so awful I started praying that my dad would come closer to me so I could ask him to give me a blessing, since I couldn't go to him.

Then, the doubts and fears about the realities of what a priesthood blessing really is, starting infiltrating my over-analytical mind. I considered the placebo effect, because it really is an interesting and powerful phenomenon. I started to really question what I was asking my father to do, my worthiness, my level of faith, and of course, the reality of what power my father holds.

Before he could give me the blessing, my wonderful father took time to prepare himself - and I was able to take the time to prepare my own mind. I thought of Elder Holland's talk, about holding onto faith first - from Mark chapter 9. Right before my dad came in, I was able to make the decision to have faith in my father, in my Heavenly Father, and the healing power. I remembered that I had seen miracles in my life and that surely God could heal me, or at least bring me enough peace so I could get some sleep.

I often feel like "why should I be given help?" or "why should I get what I want?", just a I haven't done anything to 'deserve' it. Which, if you think about it, is true. However, what I felt in that moment was that even though I didn't deserve it, I knew God had helped me before and would help me if I asked in faith. So, before the blessing, and after remembering I could find help, I promised to have faith even if I did not feel any physical healing, if only I could feel some peace.

All I can really say is that immediately after the blessing, not only did I feel better in my mind, but I started feeling the sickness leave my body, too. I wanted to share this experience on my blog so that I would not forget this experience, that God answers prayers, and honors those who hold His priesthood and who ask in faith putting His will first.

I learned that though it is always God's will first - sometimes, our desires fit in, or at least aren't against His will, and sometimes we can have joy, we can get help, and we can be healed from our hurts, no matter how childlike or insignificant as we often feel.

Murky

Once in elementary school, we were tasked to take some dirt from our yard, put it in a jar with water, shake it up, and look at how everything settled in layers. In this last week, my life has been kind of shaken up like that, if that makes sense. I feel like everything was / is mixed up and nothing makes sense.

For example, yesterday I got very discouraged about the state of the world and my place in it - how everything seems so tangled up and disoriented, that it was hopeless to sort it out. Well, yesterday one piece of my jar of dirt settled into place. :)  I read from the Articles of Faith - and the first one is that "we believe in God the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost." And when I took a moment to remember that first block of faith - I felt a little bit stronger, a little bit like, even though the rest of the picture still isn't settled, that the foundation is back in place.

Today I still feel a little murky -  which is hard for me, but well, my foundation is in place, God is my Eternal Father, that Christ is who He said He was, and that the Holy Ghost is with me, which is enough - at least for now, to find enough peace so I can go to sleep with the hope that it really will all get settled down.

Keep on Movin' On

Don't freak out, but I have a pretty big update in my life. :)

I'm moving to England!

I've been accepted into three graduate programs, for social psychology, next fall (I haven't heard from the other schools yet, but I'm feeling quite overwhelmed with my options) and now I have have the task to decide which school to go to.

As far as difficulties go, this is a "pretty good" problem to have. And I've definitely been driving the people at work nuts talking about it constantly (luckily I'm going into psych, so I can help them out...haha, get it... ha...ha...).

It's weird because I feel like I should have had a "top" choice, but when I chose the schools I was applying to, I liked them all for different reasons and was thinking I'd be lucky to get into one of the schools, so I wouldn't have to choose.

I feel like this is an award-acceptance speech, but I really couldn't have had the courage to apply without all the good people in my life (those who specifically knew they were helping and those who didn't but are still awesome), so thank you. You're helping me live my dream.

So, I'm trying to sort out what I should do, what I should remember, and all of that. Do you have any suggestions?


PS in case you're wondering, I've been accepted to (in alphabetical order): Lancaster University, the Royal Holloway University of London, and the University of Kent

God Loves Me

These are two paragraphs from one of my all time favorite books, "The Continuous Atonement" by Brad Wilcox. I wanted to share it on my blog so that as you read it, you can feel of God's love for you, too.

"God loves me just as He loves His living prophets. I am one of the reasons for living prophets. God loves me just has He loves Joseph Smith. I am one of the reasons for the Restoration. God loves me just as He loves Jesus. I am one of the reasons for the Atonement. God loves people of every era just as He loved the people to whom Christ was sent in the meridian of time. Alma asked, 'Is not a soul at this time as precious unto God as a soul . . . at the time of His coming?' (Alma 39:17). Paul assured us that nothing can separate us from the love of God (see Romans 8:35-39). Jesus Himself said to ancient Israel, 'Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee" (Isaiah 49:15). " (page 134)

and

"No matter how deficient and beyond recovery I thought I was, God was bound to love me. No matter how many balls I had juggled and let fall, no matter how much weight I had gained, how much lack of self-control I demonstrated, and how many regrets I carried from the past, He was bound to love me. ... Earth life is not merely a way of proving myself to them, but also a way for them to prove their love to me. God and Jesus are bound to believe in me - in my potential and possibilities - even when I don't. ... He is a perfect parent. ... And knowing He has not failed gives me the power I need to succeed." (page 133)

Recipe for Peace and Hope in a Troubled World

My “recipe” is what I try to remember in my own life: When something troubling you, remember 3 things:

My Two Cents - “Ordain Women”

I initially posted this on the 8th of October. It was too long, and so I am now revising it.

I have read 2 things - one of which I couldn't find, so I'll have to summarize it, and the other I will link to.

1. President Taylor, of the LDS church, once described how we have to learn to trust that God will take care of His church. If we follow His principles, nothing else matters - what people wear to church, questions we don't have answers to, and other people's shortcomings. Hold to the truth and don't get caught up in the ways of the world.

2. Doctrine and Covenants 102:23 which discusses that it is the responsibility of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles, when there is a question on church doctrine, to have the president inquire of the Lord.

I heard someone very recently say they would not let their life be dictated by "the 80 year old men in the church office building" - and he is welcome to his opinion. But as for me, and my testimony, I will trust in God that He will inspire His leaders, and take care of His church.

Consider the lilies of the field - we are so loved. If we can remember to love God, and love our neighbor, we will trust in Him and find peace and answers to our very personal and hard struggles. There are many places - infinite - where we can fall off the path by a few degrees. I would hope we would remember and hold true to God.