Know and Feel

I live in the fear/anxiety/over-thinking world far too often. This post is an attempt to be genuine and open about what I feel (or felt), instead of what I know. As you read this, you’ll probably say “Well duh, Cristina…”but be kind as you read this more self-reflective post about  – it takes a while for things to get from what I know to match what I feel.

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I used to be outgoing, fun, and confident. Through a series of small choices I now am introverted, fearful, and insecure. I used to make friends all over, and where I still have friends, I’m more careful about caring about them and worry constantly about myself and what they must be thinking/feeling about me.

For example, I remember distinctly when I stopped reaching out to people I didn’t know. My family used to go see houses for sale all over the area we lived. Once, we ventured beyond this and saw a house in a small town called Salem (not Massachusetts). Afterwards, we went to the local park and my brothers ran off and so when I saw two girls about my age playing hide-and-seek, I naturally included myself in their game as I’ve previously done. The older girl gave me a blunt lecture to go away, why would I think I could play with them? I still don’t like that park or the equipment they were playing on at the time. And it was there that I made my first decision that I wasn’t good enough to be included.

This choice has been made repeatedly as I’ve tried to change so I could be included. I’m told it’s a common desire. One middle school yearbook gave me a list of how to be attractive to guys I had to be quiet, with long brown hair, big eyes, and some other stuff. When friends’ lives have led them elsewhere, I’ve always decided it was because they realized I didn’t fit or wasn’t good enough, to be their friend. Etc.

Now, I have settled in a job that was easy, afraid to move on, I've secluded myself far away from the world, and am still actively putting up barriers because the pain of losing people or whatever it is, has been too great and I’ve decided over and over again that I am not worth it – that it is better that I be alone, a fly on the wall, only an observer – because no one wants to hear my opinion. I’ve been seduced into this sense of selfishness and pride, and I have been stuck here for quite some time.

There is hope though. I’ve started making decisions anyway – looking at grad school, taking time off work, publishing this blog post, talking to good friends, adjusting my goals and expectations, and of course, turning to the Lord for help. So, I will continue on this path and hopefully shed these negative pieces as I learn to live more in the faith/hope/charity world.

Fear v. Trust

Why is it so easy to fear and so hard to trust?

I am finding that the root of all my troubles and worries is that I don't trust God. I find it so easy to remember to worry - that I don't have to consciously tell myself to worry. Ever.

All These Things

So, you know those times where everything piles up, well, it's been one of those times. Combine that with I've been doing a ton of writing at work, and you get a huge delay in writing. Even now is a rush-write.

Life constantly changes, we all know this. It just keep striking me because this "next phase of my life" is taking quite some time to settle. If you had talked to me in August, every single aspect of life was quantitatively and qualitatively different than it is today.

Imagine if you will, an empty vessel of some kind. Now, pretend that as life's experiences come and go, they fill it up, a little bit at a time. Now, this vessel is an empty version of you--of each one of us. In my life, I've probably filled up my right leg metaphorically, with experiences. As I grow and experience life, I become a little more "full" if you will, I become a little bit more of who I truly am

These changes in my life right now feel so huge and intimidating at times. I just have to remember to take it one step at a time, it's just like starting college, high school, or even going down that tall, scary water slide for the first time and getting to the bottom and realizing truth :). Life keeps moving forward, things change, isn't that great? I read something the other day, about "all things have an end- they give the example of friends ;) cheesy, yes--but fair. Christ does not end, life does not end, eternity does not end (so do many other, non-applicable words, but you get my [and the original author's] point).

We need to remember our purpose. We need to remember that all these things shall work for our good. And, that is wonderful. It's hard to remember. It's hard to take that plunge and then keep waiting for reality to sink in, (you probably got stuck on the metaphorical water slide, but you'll get to the end, twist and turn, push a little harder). Keep filling your life with wonderful experiences, find joy, and try new and exciting things. It's not as scary or stressful as you think it is. It's just the first time you're doing something, but I promise, it will be safe, it will be fun, and you will "make it."


*I just got back from a water park with my dad and little sister, hence the water slide references...but I think they apply anyway.
**In other news, I've been learning how to make websites, and I've been really thinking about making one for me. It won't be anything terribly special, but if I move mine, I'll give you plenty of notice (mostly because it will take me ages to set it up)

Laid at Your Feet

So, lately, I have been confused at where my long term plan is leading. I just started a new job and the change has been a good one, but a change all the same.


I love and cherish the words of the LDS Hymn, Lead Thou, Me On. See, I was talking with two friends the other day about our lives, how so much of it is in the air for us, and feeling a general lack of light on our paths, but I realized something that night at a fireside. The path is already at my feet. I'm already on it. Yes, it may seem dark to me, but there is a path, and like the idea :Don't ask God to guide your footsteps if you are not willing to move your feet."


So, I wanted to write a little post encouraging you to remember to keep walking. 


A personal example if you will: 
My transition from being a student to where I am now, had a period where I felt I was on a very rickety rope bridge, right on the edge of falling into a never-ending pit... yes, I was in a melodramatic stage...sorry about that. Anyway, I think I have gotten over the first set of scary bridges and wanted to report a little on what I have learned.


I started a new job, and have actually really loved it. I fit here. The people are amazing, I get to learn and grow, emotionally, spiritually, and of course mentally, I truly make a difference at their company, and I get to laugh along the way. They even feed me about once a week, plus a chocolate drawer in the kitchen and I'm in charge of keeping the front desk treats stocked{and as an added bonus, today they took me to PF Changs, delicious!}Anyway, I am getting side tracked here. The second day I worked there, I came home to a beautiful sunset, I put my hair up in a pony tail a little higher than normal {reminiscent of first grade, a fun story for another time}, actually thought of something outgoing, fun, and clever to say to someone I didn't know, which made us both smile, and had a marvelous evening at institute. I truly was happy and at peace, and knew that where I am in life is wonderful and where I need to be. A refreshing change. I'd been comparing my mood to the weather, and I'd say the past month or two, I've been in a cloudy mood, not like 'my life is terrible' 'I hate life' etc., just cloudy and overcast. The sun has finally broken through, and though my long term future is still unknown, I am happy.

Past/comfort zone-> <- rest of life

scary bridge: transition

Imagine yourself in this picture, for my attempt at a meaningful metaphor. You are standing on the bridge. Maybe there is a lot of fog too. Behind you, the land and soon to be the bridge, is on fire. Naturally, the bridge's supports are falling apart. And a madman is chasing you. You have to keep walking. In fact. Run. Get outta there. 

All these things, the madman, the fire, the state of the bridge, is time. Time doesn't allow you to go back. Stop dwelling on it. It's not changing; you are.

Don't stress about the future. That part of time is the fog. You can't clearly see how everything is going to go. But, the path is there at your feet. It may not seem terribly promising at the moment, but it will get you where you need to go, if you will keep going. 

Life however, does not seem so compelling to keep moving forward. Basically, it is like you are on a treadmill, and life just keeps going whether you walk or not. Well, that's probably not the best metaphor either. Go outside, go for a walk, go forward in your life. Don't dwell too much on the past or the future that you cannot find joy in the journey. Confront each day with hope, have faith, be humble enough to recognize your mistakes, where you can do better, etc. Keep moving forward. It's been my theme lately, I like it, and so I write about it often. Here is the first post  in the theme if you've forgotten since then.

There is a quote from a blog called Single Dad Laughing, which entertains me sometimes, instructs me at others, and is generally a fun one to follow {I don't agree with all of his philosophies, but hey, you probably don't agree with all of mine...}, and it reads

"If you find yourself in hell right now, ask yourself honestly: "Are you walking to the end, or are you turning around always trying to find a safer, less damaging route? If you are one of the ones walking, keep going. If you are among the latter, do something truly terrifying for yourself. Choose one road, any road, and start running. Run full speed and do not stop. Do not look back. Do not worry that you have made a wrong choice. The future will seem uncertain. It will seem unsafe. But you have to keep running. You must run until turning back is impossible. Only then will you see the beauty that sits on the horizon."

The path is already at our feet. All we have to do is find a way, any way, and keep moving forward. Things will work out, they always have, and they always will. Remember, if God can take care of the small things in life, the daily joys, don't forget or be surprised when He takes care of the big things too.

Change

This chapter in my life has almost completely closed. The future is more intimidating than ever, and, sometimes it is almost too much to bear. Personally, I would like a little more control than I have, but I am still learning that it is wonderful as it is.

Among other things I have had to say goodbye to my car. Yes, I am a sentimental fool sometimes, but this car saved me on multiple occasions when I felt all was lost, from the miracle of his coming into my life, and through all the college adventures we had together as I worked my way through school. And Teddy, my car, left because he was old and beyond repair {he is parked in this picture, the tow truck was on its way}, reminding me of all the things that are changing in my life.

There is no truly "easy" path. Staples may have an "Easy Button" but unfortunately that doesn't seem to have much of an effect outside the commercials 

 I don't have any new wisdom to impart with you, in this or any post, but I would have you {and I} remember that change is a part of life, and not to give up or fear when it changes, even, like for me, in a way that you may have intellectually been expecting, but find that you are emotionally unprepared for. 

We have to remember who it is that has the plan for us. Thank goodness it is not me; my plans have a beautiful way of falling flat or self-destructing. 

We have a Heavenly Father who loves us, who not only is eternal and all powerful, but He is all knowing and all Loving. This creates a perfect balance for one who infinitely knows, has power, and motivation to care for each one of us.

My direction in life until this point has been to get my degree, which I now have. Before this, my plan for life after graduation has always been hazy, always changing, never sure where I was to go.

More things in life change, where you work, where you live, what your favorite foods are--i.e., my recent discovery that I like Asian food--and friends change. That is often the hardest for me, because sometimes I truly doubt why anyone would want to be my friend- no this does not last very long- so when friends change, go on to bigger and  better things it can be very hard for me. Yet, my friends change and it is ok.

Life happens.

I was at a job interview the other day, and was talking with the person I would be working close with if I got the job, and he asked me about how much I was expecting to make. This, though a typical question, puzzled me.  I didn't know the "right answer" he was looking for and I honestly didn't know what I wanted to make. I explained how I have lately been in a state where survival has been the main objective. There has just been so much change and uncertainty that I just didn't know anymore. I quickly thought about it, and so I told him a rough estimate. The interview kindly looked at me and explained that he would want me to do more than survive; and I am working on it and am getting there. 

Remember: Don't give up, just like Dory and Marlin, remember to "just keep swimming." Things have a funny way of working out. And don't forget,

Leviticus 26:12 “And I will walk among you, and I will be your God, and ye shall be my people.”

Change happens. Somehow through it all, we still can remember that He is our God, and that He loves us. He is there for us. Turn to Him. Come unto Christ. Remember that He is your foundation as you go throughout all the twists and turns, the storms, whirlwinds, confusion, darkness, boredom, loneliness, everything. He is there, He knows and loves you, and none shall fall who have Him as their foundation. We are all works in progress, and that means there are changes being made. 

"That which the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly." Keep going, keep changing, keep moving forward.