Know and Feel

I live in the fear/anxiety/over-thinking world far too often. This post is an attempt to be genuine and open about what I feel (or felt), instead of what I know. As you read this, you’ll probably say “Well duh, Cristina…”but be kind as you read this more self-reflective post about  – it takes a while for things to get from what I know to match what I feel.

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I used to be outgoing, fun, and confident. Through a series of small choices I now am introverted, fearful, and insecure. I used to make friends all over, and where I still have friends, I’m more careful about caring about them and worry constantly about myself and what they must be thinking/feeling about me.

For example, I remember distinctly when I stopped reaching out to people I didn’t know. My family used to go see houses for sale all over the area we lived. Once, we ventured beyond this and saw a house in a small town called Salem (not Massachusetts). Afterwards, we went to the local park and my brothers ran off and so when I saw two girls about my age playing hide-and-seek, I naturally included myself in their game as I’ve previously done. The older girl gave me a blunt lecture to go away, why would I think I could play with them? I still don’t like that park or the equipment they were playing on at the time. And it was there that I made my first decision that I wasn’t good enough to be included.

This choice has been made repeatedly as I’ve tried to change so I could be included. I’m told it’s a common desire. One middle school yearbook gave me a list of how to be attractive to guys I had to be quiet, with long brown hair, big eyes, and some other stuff. When friends’ lives have led them elsewhere, I’ve always decided it was because they realized I didn’t fit or wasn’t good enough, to be their friend. Etc.

Now, I have settled in a job that was easy, afraid to move on, I've secluded myself far away from the world, and am still actively putting up barriers because the pain of losing people or whatever it is, has been too great and I’ve decided over and over again that I am not worth it – that it is better that I be alone, a fly on the wall, only an observer – because no one wants to hear my opinion. I’ve been seduced into this sense of selfishness and pride, and I have been stuck here for quite some time.

There is hope though. I’ve started making decisions anyway – looking at grad school, taking time off work, publishing this blog post, talking to good friends, adjusting my goals and expectations, and of course, turning to the Lord for help. So, I will continue on this path and hopefully shed these negative pieces as I learn to live more in the faith/hope/charity world.

Life is Pain, Highness

People tend to forget, outside of the moment, what the phrases 'It will be hard,' 'life is difficult,' and that the phrase "this will hurt" truly mean, and that they are quite accurate. And then, that moment comes, and they want to give up, because it is so hard.

I do this...frequently. It doesn't make a ton of sense really, yet, it is so easy to forget.

I know I tend to trivialize pain, hurt, and the general trials of life, until they come. THEN I tend to exaggerate them, unconsciously, because my focus goes entirely inward, how I'm hurting, how life's unfair, how could this happen to me?

Well, I'm here to remind myself that pain is real.

Pain Hurts. Pain Scars. And Pain Ends.
Then, it comes back in a new form.

This post isn't written with the idea that "Life is pain, highness" but, to an extent, it is. I hate it when I feel like my pain is trivialized. It is deeply meaningful to me and I feel like that should matter to the people I share it with.

Life is going to hurt more than you can possibly imagine right now. You know enough. You are strong enough, when you turn to Christ. There is something worth fighting for.

Don't give in to the appealing "easy way." There isn't an Easy Button. It is ok that it hurts. It is ok that you really are crying. It is ok that everything feels wrong, directionless, and impossible.

Hold on to whatever level of faith you can manage, and move forward through the pain. Then, when you get out, don't forget what it taught you. Let the refining fire change you into something better, something that can remember, that the pain helped shape your eternal character. Removing your imperfections is a painful process, and it is going to take awhile my friend. Sorry about that. You'll get there, and you'll be glad you did.

Forest and Trees

The only way you are going to be able to see the forest, instead of just trees is to get above it. If you limit yourself to only seeing that which is close, obvious, safe, or usual, you won't be able to see the bigger picture. This picture is not limited to the casual viewing of timbers. It applies all over, in jobs, in relationships, and most of all in the eternal scheme of things.

You do need to be able to navigate the trees that are right in front of you, the obstacles in your path, the daily checklists, the tasks and assignments, arguments, holidays, etc.

Just remember to open your heart, and see the forest {i.e, God's plan for you}through your faith. Climb above and beyond just what is right in front of you. Maybe you feel like the path you're on could never, ever lead where you want, and where God has promised it does. Trust in the known God to show you the unknown {to you}way. Trust in Him to guide you safely, for He does have a path for you, and through the Atonement, the way is prepared, though like any good hike, it requires effort to get there.

"Oh  man, remember and perish not." Do not despair, do not cease trusting, do not give in, all of these stop your progress, leaving you surrounded only by trees, never seeing the forest.

Trust God. There is a whole forest, there is a whole plan already figured out and, it's beautiful.

Remember This

And now I would that ye should be humble and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive.

And see that ye have faith, hope, and charity, and then ye will always abound in good works.

 And may the Lord bless you, and keep your garments spotless, that ye may be at last be brought to sit down with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and the holy prophets who have been ever since the world began, having your garments spotless even as their garments are spotless, in the kingdom of heaven to go no more out.

Alma 7:23-25

Change

This chapter in my life has almost completely closed. The future is more intimidating than ever, and, sometimes it is almost too much to bear. Personally, I would like a little more control than I have, but I am still learning that it is wonderful as it is.

Among other things I have had to say goodbye to my car. Yes, I am a sentimental fool sometimes, but this car saved me on multiple occasions when I felt all was lost, from the miracle of his coming into my life, and through all the college adventures we had together as I worked my way through school. And Teddy, my car, left because he was old and beyond repair {he is parked in this picture, the tow truck was on its way}, reminding me of all the things that are changing in my life.

There is no truly "easy" path. Staples may have an "Easy Button" but unfortunately that doesn't seem to have much of an effect outside the commercials 

 I don't have any new wisdom to impart with you, in this or any post, but I would have you {and I} remember that change is a part of life, and not to give up or fear when it changes, even, like for me, in a way that you may have intellectually been expecting, but find that you are emotionally unprepared for. 

We have to remember who it is that has the plan for us. Thank goodness it is not me; my plans have a beautiful way of falling flat or self-destructing. 

We have a Heavenly Father who loves us, who not only is eternal and all powerful, but He is all knowing and all Loving. This creates a perfect balance for one who infinitely knows, has power, and motivation to care for each one of us.

My direction in life until this point has been to get my degree, which I now have. Before this, my plan for life after graduation has always been hazy, always changing, never sure where I was to go.

More things in life change, where you work, where you live, what your favorite foods are--i.e., my recent discovery that I like Asian food--and friends change. That is often the hardest for me, because sometimes I truly doubt why anyone would want to be my friend- no this does not last very long- so when friends change, go on to bigger and  better things it can be very hard for me. Yet, my friends change and it is ok.

Life happens.

I was at a job interview the other day, and was talking with the person I would be working close with if I got the job, and he asked me about how much I was expecting to make. This, though a typical question, puzzled me.  I didn't know the "right answer" he was looking for and I honestly didn't know what I wanted to make. I explained how I have lately been in a state where survival has been the main objective. There has just been so much change and uncertainty that I just didn't know anymore. I quickly thought about it, and so I told him a rough estimate. The interview kindly looked at me and explained that he would want me to do more than survive; and I am working on it and am getting there. 

Remember: Don't give up, just like Dory and Marlin, remember to "just keep swimming." Things have a funny way of working out. And don't forget,

Leviticus 26:12 “And I will walk among you, and I will be your God, and ye shall be my people.”

Change happens. Somehow through it all, we still can remember that He is our God, and that He loves us. He is there for us. Turn to Him. Come unto Christ. Remember that He is your foundation as you go throughout all the twists and turns, the storms, whirlwinds, confusion, darkness, boredom, loneliness, everything. He is there, He knows and loves you, and none shall fall who have Him as their foundation. We are all works in progress, and that means there are changes being made. 

"That which the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly." Keep going, keep changing, keep moving forward.

Agency

So, I have been thinking a lot about agency. It is probably one of my favorite topics, and yet it is still one I struggle to understand. Almost everything has changed in my life in the space of one month, and it is all out of my control at this point. And for a control freak like me, it has been really hard.

However, I know someone who loves us enough to let us truly make our own choices. He loves us enough to allow for His perfect plan of happiness to continue unaltered by our choices, because without our choice we could never end up as He is.

Some recent choices have truly hurt me in ways up until about a month ago I could not imagine. I naturally have a {useless} plan to make everything work the way I want it to. There’s an old Hebrew saying, that ‘if you ever want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans’. Well, I did and I don’t think He laughed, but He showed me quite clearly that He has very different plans, even different than what I had previously asked and felt about.

We must be strong. We must not fear. We must allow people to make their own choices, even when it hurts. We must let people not give us the job we feel we deserve, we must let people be inconsiderate of our feelings, we must let people choose for themselves. It hurts. It does not make sense. The hurt will cease, {though, unless things go according to my plans, I can’t see how J } and one day, it will make sense.

Trust that it will work out. Trust in Him, even when everyone around you lets you down, hurts you in ways you cannot imagine. I am still quite young and inexperienced, so I know there is a lot more physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual hurt that I truly cannot plan for {which scares me} but I also know that I am loved. I am not forgotten.

You are loved, and you are not forgotten. Do not lose faith in His timing, even if His will or others’ agency makes no sense to you. Keep the faith and Keep Moving Forward.