Keep on Movin' On

Don't freak out, but I have a pretty big update in my life. :)

I'm moving to England!

I've been accepted into three graduate programs, for social psychology, next fall (I haven't heard from the other schools yet, but I'm feeling quite overwhelmed with my options) and now I have have the task to decide which school to go to.

As far as difficulties go, this is a "pretty good" problem to have. And I've definitely been driving the people at work nuts talking about it constantly (luckily I'm going into psych, so I can help them out...haha, get it... ha...ha...).

It's weird because I feel like I should have had a "top" choice, but when I chose the schools I was applying to, I liked them all for different reasons and was thinking I'd be lucky to get into one of the schools, so I wouldn't have to choose.

I feel like this is an award-acceptance speech, but I really couldn't have had the courage to apply without all the good people in my life (those who specifically knew they were helping and those who didn't but are still awesome), so thank you. You're helping me live my dream.

So, I'm trying to sort out what I should do, what I should remember, and all of that. Do you have any suggestions?


PS in case you're wondering, I've been accepted to (in alphabetical order): Lancaster University, the Royal Holloway University of London, and the University of Kent

God Loves Me

These are two paragraphs from one of my all time favorite books, "The Continuous Atonement" by Brad Wilcox. I wanted to share it on my blog so that as you read it, you can feel of God's love for you, too.

"God loves me just as He loves His living prophets. I am one of the reasons for living prophets. God loves me just has He loves Joseph Smith. I am one of the reasons for the Restoration. God loves me just as He loves Jesus. I am one of the reasons for the Atonement. God loves people of every era just as He loved the people to whom Christ was sent in the meridian of time. Alma asked, 'Is not a soul at this time as precious unto God as a soul . . . at the time of His coming?' (Alma 39:17). Paul assured us that nothing can separate us from the love of God (see Romans 8:35-39). Jesus Himself said to ancient Israel, 'Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee" (Isaiah 49:15). " (page 134)

and

"No matter how deficient and beyond recovery I thought I was, God was bound to love me. No matter how many balls I had juggled and let fall, no matter how much weight I had gained, how much lack of self-control I demonstrated, and how many regrets I carried from the past, He was bound to love me. ... Earth life is not merely a way of proving myself to them, but also a way for them to prove their love to me. God and Jesus are bound to believe in me - in my potential and possibilities - even when I don't. ... He is a perfect parent. ... And knowing He has not failed gives me the power I need to succeed." (page 133)

Recipe for Peace and Hope in a Troubled World

My “recipe” is what I try to remember in my own life: When something troubling you, remember 3 things:

My Two Cents - “Ordain Women”

I initially posted this on the 8th of October. It was too long, and so I am now revising it.

I have read 2 things - one of which I couldn't find, so I'll have to summarize it, and the other I will link to.

1. President Taylor, of the LDS church, once described how we have to learn to trust that God will take care of His church. If we follow His principles, nothing else matters - what people wear to church, questions we don't have answers to, and other people's shortcomings. Hold to the truth and don't get caught up in the ways of the world.

2. Doctrine and Covenants 102:23 which discusses that it is the responsibility of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles, when there is a question on church doctrine, to have the president inquire of the Lord.

I heard someone very recently say they would not let their life be dictated by "the 80 year old men in the church office building" - and he is welcome to his opinion. But as for me, and my testimony, I will trust in God that He will inspire His leaders, and take care of His church.

Consider the lilies of the field - we are so loved. If we can remember to love God, and love our neighbor, we will trust in Him and find peace and answers to our very personal and hard struggles. There are many places - infinite - where we can fall off the path by a few degrees. I would hope we would remember and hold true to God.

Take Offense

I have former friends who take offense at everything. I was thinking about them, and my whole approach to making friends, when I came across this idea that wouldn't leave me alone. And, as I never know what I think until I read what I've written, I'm writing my thoughts down now. Also, none of this is really "new" but I did feel like I understood it a little better today.

It's not a commandment to love yourself

God's commandments do not include "Love Thyself." But, before you take it the wrong way, the point of this post is not to say you shouldn't love yourself. Just the opposite.

Know and Feel

I live in the fear/anxiety/over-thinking world far too often. This post is an attempt to be genuine and open about what I feel (or felt), instead of what I know. As you read this, you’ll probably say “Well duh, Cristina…”but be kind as you read this more self-reflective post about  – it takes a while for things to get from what I know to match what I feel.

---

I used to be outgoing, fun, and confident. Through a series of small choices I now am introverted, fearful, and insecure. I used to make friends all over, and where I still have friends, I’m more careful about caring about them and worry constantly about myself and what they must be thinking/feeling about me.

For example, I remember distinctly when I stopped reaching out to people I didn’t know. My family used to go see houses for sale all over the area we lived. Once, we ventured beyond this and saw a house in a small town called Salem (not Massachusetts). Afterwards, we went to the local park and my brothers ran off and so when I saw two girls about my age playing hide-and-seek, I naturally included myself in their game as I’ve previously done. The older girl gave me a blunt lecture to go away, why would I think I could play with them? I still don’t like that park or the equipment they were playing on at the time. And it was there that I made my first decision that I wasn’t good enough to be included.

This choice has been made repeatedly as I’ve tried to change so I could be included. I’m told it’s a common desire. One middle school yearbook gave me a list of how to be attractive to guys I had to be quiet, with long brown hair, big eyes, and some other stuff. When friends’ lives have led them elsewhere, I’ve always decided it was because they realized I didn’t fit or wasn’t good enough, to be their friend. Etc.

Now, I have settled in a job that was easy, afraid to move on, I've secluded myself far away from the world, and am still actively putting up barriers because the pain of losing people or whatever it is, has been too great and I’ve decided over and over again that I am not worth it – that it is better that I be alone, a fly on the wall, only an observer – because no one wants to hear my opinion. I’ve been seduced into this sense of selfishness and pride, and I have been stuck here for quite some time.

There is hope though. I’ve started making decisions anyway – looking at grad school, taking time off work, publishing this blog post, talking to good friends, adjusting my goals and expectations, and of course, turning to the Lord for help. So, I will continue on this path and hopefully shed these negative pieces as I learn to live more in the faith/hope/charity world.

It is OK to Hurt

I’m finding in life that it is ok to hurt – but to clarify, it is not ok to despair. I do not believe we were sent here to learn how to escape pain, as tempting as that is. We were sent here to feel pain and to feel joy. We are here to cry and to laugh, to hurt and to love. I know it sounds overly simplistic, but we cannot truly have one without the other, and we need them for our human experience.

The past little while, my spectrum of emotion has become much closer to apathy than I would like. And I can tell you it was awful. I’m not fully out of this emotional state, but I’m getting closer. Over a short amount of time, so many conflicting emotions and issues were pressing in on me and so I felt and it was easier to shut them all out than try to process them. And soon, my ‘adventures’ stopped happening and my motivation dwindled. In time, I was only focused on being efficient to avoid the pain that otherwise was present. I stopped feeling connected to the people around me – acting and saying the right things, but not feeling them.

 It wasn’t until recently that I realized this, and that fact alone scared me. I still retreat into this apathetic ‘haven’ but I am getting better at venturing out of this cave and experiencing life again.

Remember, it really is ok to hurt, and experiencing life means experiencing pain. Don’t despair, but don’t seek to never feel pain. You’ll build up a lot of empty yesterdays. So, together we can fill up our lives with adventures – the highs and lows of life. And along the way, we’ll make a life worth remembering.

I'm Unique - Just Like Everybody Else

I have a couple friends getting married this month, and one thing they always tell me is how wonderful their wedding is going to be because it is unique. This trend caught in my mind and I’ve been pondering this desire for uniqueness for a few days and talked with a wise person about what it means.

Deliberate vs. Manipulative

So, I just read Alma 43:30 where it talks about Moroni’s opinion that it was “no sin that he should defend them [the Nephites] by stratagem.” It got me thinking of something I’ve thought about before, and shared on here, the importance of being deliberate.

True to form, I now have a (probably unclear) example from my life for you. See, in college, I had a friend who was very fun and persuasive. He told me all about this ‘dating game’ and all sorts of rules, and ways to get someone to date you.

Break the Cycle

Have you ever realized that you’re leading a terrestrial life? Nothing wrong per se, you’ve got friends and a good job, and you do help and make a difference. Well, maybe not. But I have.

Catch-Up

I've been away for a while - trying to live life instead of just observing it.

I just got back from a trip to California, and before that I was in Washington DC, and I've even been to work in and out of all my travels. :)

Life is an adventure - we are here to live it and to learn from our experiences. I'm naturally more of an observer - but it has been wonderful to be part of life, making memories and learning and becoming more like my Savior.

And, I've got a few more little thoughts I want to share that I've been thinking about

First is obedience. I've been noticing lately that people are actually naturally obedient. The rebellious streak is there, but it usually only comes out when the reasoning / consequences aren't clear or accepted. It's easy to look at the world and despair about the wickedness (which is there), but we can look around and see people all over trying to be good people. It's great.

Second, is the importance to keep moving forward. :) We need to be diligent my friends. And that means continuing to go forward when you don't know, understand, or feel like you can - when you know or at least feel it is right. It is very hard for me sometimes - I have a tendency to look at the big picture and get overwhelmed - but we can just take it day by day - be faithful today - do your best today. That kind of thing.

Third and fourth are the importance of keeping, understanding, and defending history and knowledge. We have a lot to learn, a lot to improve on, but we need to remember that the world didn't start when we were born. Things matter, and we should work to remember and teach them to others.

Sadly, the fifth point is one I wish I could report on better. I spent the week with members of my extended family who either aren't members of the church or aren't faithful. I wish I could say I was a firm person who testified distinctly and with eloquence, so their hearts were at least softened to the truth. Well, I tried a little, but I stumbled over words, and tried to avoid awkwardness, and wasn't very bold in my testimony. I don't think I messed it all up, but I could definitely have been better. I'm reporting this because I feel it is important to do so - being accountable helps me to grow.

The Great DC Adventure 2013

This is more of an update in my life - but if you are looking for something to read, feel free to read my long tale of my time in DC.

When you begin to live life, you begin to have adventures. Sometimes, they may not seem to be extraordinary adventures, but any adventure is better than no adventure.

Most of my life was spent in the ‘no adventure zone’ until I started noticing the adventure around me, especially when I started limiting my "I'm bored, I'll get on Facebook" time and other things like that.

This last series of events, which as I begin to type this, aren’t over yet – but it is the best time I have to start writing them down.

Ok.

Since Sunday

Well, it's been so different since I cut back on my media use a few days ago.

An Idea

I've had an idea to help my life, blogging world.

I am going to try to 'unplug' as it were for the entire month of May, which does include my birthday. Naturally this isn't going to be entirely possible - I will still have my phone for basic contact, and I will still check my emails occasionally, though on a limited basis. And work I manage their social media so that doesn't get to count. So, if you really want to hear from me, read the blog, email, or text/call me. I'm not hiding from people, just distractions.

How to Get Rid of Bitterness

Gratitude isn’t something I’m ‘good’ at. I am a ‘realist’ and so often forget to look for the blessings in life. In fact, I tend to see all good things that happen as a reward of my effort and all the bad things as ‘________ is against me’ (whoever/whatever is at ‘fault’ besides me). I’ve only begun to really notice as I’ve felt the bitterness entrench itself a little deeper in my heart.

In my patriarchal blessing it talks about how I’m a ‘happy’ person, and lately I’ve been almost mocking that, and then a sweet coworker left a note at my desk saying she was grateful I was so sweet and happy to her. I couldn’t understand it, when had I been happy, cheerful, or sweet at work? Didn’t work make me tired, a little frustrated, and lonely sitting by myself all day?

That got me to look back over the week, and I realized how happy I was at work – the people there are not just ‘coworkers’ they are my friends and I am actually happy when I am with them.

Since early November, I’ve had a little gratitude journal where I write a few things every day, of what I am grateful for that day. When I was asked to start one it came with all sorts of stats about how it would make my life so much happier – and all I could see was how my life has spun downward, this ‘gratitude thing’ wasn’t working.

I’m not there yet – but at church today I received a key clarifier – in the hymn, “How Great Thou Art” it has a line that says something about our Savior was glad to hang on the cross and suffering for us. At first, my immediate reaction was sarcastic – “oh I bet He was just SO HAPPY to be suffering” and then I realized that you don’t have to have a life free from pain to be happy and grateful to be where you are.

Later in Relief Society, we were given a beautiful lesson where my heart opened up. And at the end, our instructor gave us a little notebook that says “I am awesome – Reasons I like being me” and it may sound super cheesy – but this is going to be a challenge for me, it’s a whole notebook. But I did come up with one to start out, and maybe I’ll just find one a day, but hey, I’ve got a whole life.

Gratitude is a process and it is something I desperately need to develop, but I’m on my way. The Atonement is infinitely powerful and can help my heart heal from my selfish pride and egocentric views. I’ve started taking my acknowledgement of blessings past the gratitude journal reflection time I have at the end of the day, and I’ve finally begun the path to becoming a grateful person – to feel it in my heart and not just mentally acknowledge that I ‘should’ be grateful. I know that when I look to my Savior in true gratitude and recognition for the blessings in my life, I will be happy. Even if it means being glad I can suffer this pain to learn a new lesson to help me get to know Him better.

Reason I like being me #1: My Savior loves and helps me and that definitely counts for something big. And I am grateful for His gentle hand as He shows me just how far I need to go and also my next step to get there. With His help, I’ll master this thing called gratitude and remember Him always.

What to do about Politics

I promised I'd try to provide a little more context, so that at least my 'lectures' make more sense about what's going on in my life. And don't worry, this post will probably anger everyone equally.

A big political discussion is in full swing surrounding the Supreme Court cases (marriage, equality, government, etc.) And I have my firm opinions politically. And, if you don't know what I'm talking about, check out Facebook, Twitter, or your favorite news station. Yet, what I want to talk about is that all I ever hear and feel is:

One Day at a Time

“Please help me give up the pain that is from my selfishness and pride” – I said, right before starting to type, worried that my thoughts will spiral down instead of up.

I’ve found writing helps me figure out how I’m actually feeling inside the mess that is my mind. Lately my life has been a mix between blur of activity and almost thoughtless monotony. Usually, within the same day. The whirlwind leaves me …conflicted.

On March 26^th, I will have been working at the same job for exactly a year – we went to lunch at work today to celebrate. They asked me what kinds of things I’d learned in my year, and then the conversation moved on before I really had time to think about it {you all remember how I’m a slow thinker}. Well, one of the things I’ve learned is that it is good to be diligent in our thinking – in other  words, slow. Actually to be clear, I think it’s a slow decision making process, I actually think quite quickly. Ok. Moving on.

And one of the things I’ve learned about in my quest to be a well-rounded thinker – is 1- Pain is a great teacher and 2 – I don’t have to hold on to every kind of pain expecting all pain to actually be what I should be feeling. Emphasis on “should be feeling.” (i.e., that the feeling of pain is from God to teach me / I should feel pain) 

I am often feeling guilty for things or holding on to selfish comforts, or ideas about how things ‘should be.’

For instance, “I should be happy in my life” and “I should be miserable” are both phrases I often feel I should be feeling – at the same time. When I started this post, I mentioned I feel conflicted. These are the ends of the spectrum I feel – though I should mention before the comments and emails I am not miserable though I get sad sometimes, and as I remember my relationship with Christ, I am happy much more often, and for longer amounts of time. 

There are times when the thought is very firm in my mind that because I don’t have A, B, or C, that I should be upset. And, at times I often give in to the hurt - though I am getting better at remembering Him faster each time, and it is getting slightly easier to give up whatever is holding me back from feeling God's love for me and all of His children (that's you!).

I’m grateful I can pray to my Father in Heaven and ask Him to help me learn, and yet give up the pain, the selfishness, the pride of my heart. And you know what, often times the anxiety goes away. After this, I am left hoping that I won’t have to feel that way again and often I fear that I will anyway, then I am gently reminded I am becoming more like Him  one day at a time. It’s a slow process for this slow thinker, but in the end, I’ll get there. We’ll get there. Let’s keep going.

**I am a little nervous to post this because I don't want to deny the reality of pain, and it often takes more than a simple prayer to make it go away - all I can say is, take it one moment of pain at a time, and ask for help learning and moving through that problem/hurt/confusion/etc. I am definitely not perfect and have pain, but as I remember His promises, I can let go of some pain and come back to Him**

Fear v. Trust

Why is it so easy to fear and so hard to trust?

I am finding that the root of all my troubles and worries is that I don't trust God. I find it so easy to remember to worry - that I don't have to consciously tell myself to worry. Ever.

Only Human: Me + Guests

A little while ago, I heard the phrase "I'm only human" in the context that it is ok to make mistakes, it's ok to fall short, to care too much, to mess up often, etc. That same day, I reread a blog post by a non-Christian called "I'm Christian, Unless..." and it set it up in a polite but still hurtful response to his Christian neighbors and how sinful they are.

Dog Person

So, today has been a topsy turvy day, my friends. I got home after a long (but good) day at work, shopping, organizing a party, and enduring crazy drivers. Then right about as I was getting settled, I noticed two dogs - a big chocolate lab and a little pepper-gray terrier - chasing our chickens.

Insignificance

This post was almost lost by the wayside of blog ideas come and gone. It's a personal one - there sure are a lot of those but I figure, that's probably the point of this blog.

Introspection

I like to stay at least somewhat consistent with updating this blog. And the thing on my mind lately has been that I'm a slow thinker. I've been working on my introspection lately because it is something I often neglect. Therefore, I pay attention when I like things, and when I get annoyed, and lately - it's been decision making.

How Do I Love Thee?

Let me count the ways.

This is another post I probably won't 'publicize' but I wanted to write it. It was inspired by a conversation or two today. My friend is getting married in a couple weeks! I was hanging out with her today, talking about her wonderful man, and we also hung out with our other friend who has a dating experience I am vicariously living through. So, naturally, the wonderful qualities of the two men came up.

I can do it By MySELF.

I've noticed a couple things:

1. Blogger stats aren't as accurate as I hoped
2. People take what I write as cause for worry about my well-being
3. I love reading stories, not lectures, on blogs, so I feel caught up with how people are doing.

Fog

When the Lights Go Out: Sometimes going through life, you encounter 'fog.' Nothing's really changed, and yet you can't quite see anymore.

Guest Post: "Yes I Can!"

Below, you'll find a beautiful post, written to me in an email. It really touched my heart so I asked and received permission to share it with you. I hope it lifts your soul and brings you closer to Christ. - Cristina

Celebrate!

So - everyday I have at least 2 reasons to look forward to going to work. The first is contributing and being rewarded financially. And second: I get an email every day with the holiday of the day.

I know it may seem silly - but I like having a little reminder of something fun. This month has been a great one. Some of my favorites were Dinosaur Appreciation Day, National Thesaurus Day, National Rubber Ducky Day, Penguin Awareness Day, and National Popcorn Day. And we just had a great one - National Answer Your Cat's Questions Day, and even better ones to come (National Chocolate Cake Day, and Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day).

This is a big month, people! And guess what, it's only going to get better as the year goes along. We have a lot of reasons to celebrate. Probably some of the best advice a friend told me was to find little things to look forward to. So one of the ways I do that is to celebrate the awesome, random days we have, and maybe on January 28th, I'll find a Kazoo to celebrate National Kazoo Day. We'll see. 

Find little things that make you smile - every boring/awful/stressful day has something good to offer. Remember to find joy.

Stop Struggling

This is another post about agency – you’ve probably noticed that I can’t stay away from the topic. And this post promises to be more ‘stream of consciousness’ than some others.

I’ve been reading from the Doctrine and Covenants, and I have found that as I read and think about the people mentioned. More than any other book of scripture, we actually know about these individuals. Their likes and dislikes, their talents, their frustrations, and to a degree their conversion.

In Section 58 we get the famous scripture to be anxiously engaged in a good cause, but there are other nuggets of wisdom in that section, and in other nearby sections that have been on my mind. As I read it, I learn about their unique circumstances and trials, leading them to turn to Christ to ask for help. And, I got to thinking about agency. I continued to think about it when I came across the scripture warning both the rich and the poor to stay away from pride. And, I’ve decided that your specific circumstances only matter because of their unique ability to either bring you closer or push you further from Christ, eternally shaping your character.

We have heard that it doesn’t matter in the eternal scheme of things if we were rich or poor. Well, I’m backing that up today. But, it’s not just about money. It applies to every aspect of your life. There are things that will bring you to the wall of faith, that touch your heart, that nothing else can – at least to that degree.

In ‘The Fiddler on the Roof’ the main character, a poor farmer, asks God if it would spoil some vast eternal plan, if he was a wealthy man.  “Elder Oaks said, "Yes, Tevye, it might. Let us give thanks for what we are and for the circumstances God has given us for our personal journey through mortality."

There is a plan. We must deliberately choose. If we are poor, we have certain challenges and we need to learn how to turn to God because of them. If we are unhealthy, we have different challenges, but the end goal is the same – to trust God enough to turn to Him. Our challenges are tests of our agency, that is why we are here, and that is what all challenges are for. How is your context shaping you?

As I re-read this, I hear opposing arguments. Nature and nurture (biology and one’s environment) really do matter. They change us. They challenge us. But to what end? Where are we going? Are we deliberately in charge of our lives or are we spectators?

We will always struggle, so my title is a little irrelevant. But, it isn’t at the same time… that makes sense to someone. Deciding and choosing is really hard. Really. One can’t just choose to stop hurting – but one can choose to learn and grow, keeping things in perspective and they can continue to press forward even when things don’t make sense, and hurt, and realize that they probably are the right things anyway. So, for now, just choose for today to be a little more faithful, to keep going, at least for today. And, you can probably keep going tomorrow too. But, we’ll revisit this again tomorrow, and any day as needed.

Peace in the Sadness

Yesterday, someone very dear to me passed away. I don't have much time to write the tribute she deserves, but she was a remarkable woman. I will miss my grandma, Dana Lou Jensen.

After raising her 5 wonderful children, she helped raise me (and my siblings). But, after 18 and a half years of separation from her dear husband, I am certainly glad she didn't have to wait another day. She passed away peacefully, surrounded by family.

We are all still hurting, but we are strengthened by each other and feel closer to heaven today, and there is peace in our sadness. Here is a link to her obituary.